If you love drinking (and love is the right word) then don't read this please.
Why do I hate it. And I suppose hate is the right word, at least tonight.
I can't sleep and I'm obsessing about it. When I am less obsessive I think having a drink with your meals is fine. But not tonight. Tonight I am remembering.
"Friends" who drink a little too much and say things like, "You're never any fun."
or "Lighten up" just because I won't drink with them. Men who get drunk and are a little too friendly. People who say mushy, kind things when they're drunk, getting your hopes up that things might change but they never do.
Driving in a car when all my friends were drinking and driving, smoking, almost catching the car on fire. Friends who got drunk and slept with their boyfriends and spent a good part of their lives recovering from their mistakes.
Waiting on Christmas Eve for Dad to come home. We'd bought him a new recliner and he never came home. It was like a big elephant was in the room but nobody talked about it. Was he dead on the road somewhere? Did he even care?
Brothers waking my parents up in the night because they'd had an accident - driving and drinking. Laying there wondering if they were ok, knowing how my parents must have felt. Feeling their pain.
My son saying he was going to a kegger in the mountains with friends who would be drinking and hunting. Stressing over what to do...would he come home or have a bullet in his body.
Watching someone I love very much get drunk to relieve her stress. Wondering if it would get worse. Wishing she would just get counseling and face up to her problems.
Once a counselor told me I should learn to just laugh about my Dad's drinking - see the funny side of it. Maybe I want to hate it. Because I'm still angry.
But maybe some things are good to be angry about.
Like children who watched their Mom get spanked by their Dad because he came home drunk and was trying to use his power over her.
Like children who had to hide their siblings so they wouldn't get beaten.
Or just simple things like children not feeling loved or getting their homework done because their parents are mellowing out.
I suppose i could have wine at meals or champagne at weddings. But that just doesn't bring me joy. I wonder why...
I hope my grandchildren can grow up knowing they can have fun without having to have liquor to make it happen.
I hope they get "high" on sunsets, laughter and God.
I hope they don't need liquor or other drugs to say to each other the important things of life, to be close and good to each other.
I hope...
I keep thinking I should do something.
Be a part of the cure.
I hear addictions are usually about broken relationships. I think it could be.
I do know they don't help.
I suppose I do need to lighten up, laugh more,take life less seriously.
I hope I don't have to have alcohol or other drugs to make it happen.
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- The Ranch Family
- The purpose of this blog is for family to post memories, ideas, pictures, etc of the Sacry Ranch in Cardwell, Montana. We thought it would be fun to share together and create a memory book about the Ranch. So feel free to share and to comment. Keep it clean and positive and fun!
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12 comments:
Well Carol Ann, you said a lot here! I have to say I agree totally with you. It's hard here on the west coast. Alcohol consumption is very much the norm and even amongst our church members and members of conservative Christian churches. It bothers me so much.
It's an interesting mix because there is so much education in the schools about how youth shouldn't drink, but so many parents do drink, why would the kids not think it's ok to do. It sends double messages.
I share your concerns. Love you!
Mom,
I can't say as I disagree with the whole of the content of this blog, however the central idea goes against my education and personal experience. (and I admit both can be considered limited, as I only have a b.s. in psychology, and have been lucky in parentage and friendship.) I would argue that most people can drink in moderation recreationally or otherwise without negative effect. (Comments limited to psychological or sociological effect) Clearly drinking heavily (binge drinking, etc.) has many dangerous and negative consequences, the moderate use of alcohol, in both social situations and privately has many positive effects. I could point to the benefits both wine and beer have shown in scientific studies, however, I will follow the examples of my psychological forbears and focus more on my personal observations and make broad generalizations using possibly flawed logic. (but it makes sense to me) I think I must begin by offering the disclaimer that both my wife and I enjoy drinking in moderation. Neither of us drink to excess (unless by occasional accident when not eating enough during the day or after strenuous exercise) I enjoy drinking a glass of wine or two on weekends or after a hard day at work. Logan prefers beer for the same purpose. We both find that it helps to relax our bodies and minds, and creates a mental environment conducive to more civil interactions with each other and with our children. I know many people who partake in alcoholic beverages for the same or similar reasons. Beyond this type of drinking, Alcohol can have the effect of helping to reduce anxiety in social situations. Many lifelong friends have been made around pitcher, pint, glass, and/or flask. We have all seen what happens when such beverages are abused, however, usually the abuse occurs by one or two of many, and that leads to my next point. Drinking in and of itself is not the problem. When someone becomes dependent on the alcohol, or abuses through binging etc., they are exhibiting a symptom of a deeper issue or issues. The drinking exacerbates the underlying condition, creating new issues, and a negative spiraling effect. I believe any person would be hard pressed to provide a situation that counters my theory. I would invite such attempts.
(Please disregard spelling, organizational, and grammatical errors. I have not written in a while, and did not read back through this post to edit.)
Thank you, Carla for your support. I think it is your family of origin that gave me the confidence to not drink when I was tempted in that direction. Gayle said once that he would never expect his children to not do anything that he did himself. I admire that philosophy though in other areas I have fallen short on that. And I remember once that Steve gave his testimony at a youth retreat that he had been tempted in high school to join the partying crowd but his parents made it so fun without drinking that he made a decision to go their way. And when I'm with your family they have such fun together are so alive and full of life. Which brings me, Jamie to one of the main reasons I don't drink. Little eyes are always watching. You are training your children by what you do, not say. I hope that they see you drinking responsibly and choose to say, when they are in Jr. High, "I'm going to wait until I'm of age and then only drink responsibly." But a counselor who specializes in drug and alcohol problems with youth told me kids don't seem to be able to make the distinction between what is good for them and what is good only when they are older. Teens don't see it that way. They want to be "grown up" and do as their adult models do. Karen S told me she wanted her kids to know they could have fun without needing alcohol or drugs. I know a few other parents who have chosen to not drink after they were drinkers because they didn't want to model drinking for their kids.
Another reason I don't drink is because I want to stand in solidarity with those handful of my friends who are alcoholic. They share with me their struggles when they are in social situations where drinking is involved. They want to have the fun with friends but they feel excluded because drinking is such a temptation for them. The bible says all things are acceptable to eat or drink but we are not to be a stumbling block to our brothers and sisters.
I know a young man who didn't drink because his parents told him not to in high school but he visited his aunt and uncle who had alcohol in their frig. They were only having beer for hot summer days but the teen thought since they were nice people he could also drink. Because of his own emotional issues his drinking led to abusive drinking for many years. Though the people did nothing wrong by having the alcohol they did contribute to their nephews downfall.
Another expert in addictions talked about how we grow up. She said, for example, when you have a boyfriend break up with you and you are devastated, you have a very hard time but you deal with it. But if, instead you go home and mellow out on marajuana or alcohol (or other drugs) you don't deal with it, you escape and you don't learn to grow up. She said that's why you sometimes know someone who is 40 and still act like they are 20. Dealing with life helps us grow up. Drugs can help us escape.
I do know many people who drink responsibly and I do know many who don't. It seems like most people i know drink responsibly unless they are in pain, feeling separated, struggling to fit in, tired of dealing with life, etc. I remember feeling myself that when I had 4 little ones it sure would feel good to just take a big drink and get away from the struggles emotionally. I probably could have been a closet housewife alcoholic.
The most whole families I know (not meaning to exclude anyone)have fun, deal with conflict, have strong relationship and deal with life without the help of drugs and alcohol.
Having said all that, I think there are many things worse than having a drink from time to time. I really don't want to dwell on this subject. I've got my own issues to deal with. God help us all.
ok, in the night I thought of something. (since I'm not dwelling on this subject)I have known so many people who, have a little to drink and it causes more uprisings in their families and does not lesson the confict but brings it out. Loosens tongues and looses inhibitions for example. Of course, the people I think of are especially problem drinkers.
Jamie, never tell me you wrote on my blog before bedtime. You know how I get so caught up in our arguments! I can't think of anyone else I could argue with and still feel so loving toward. but still...I didn't get much sleep.
Mom,
After reading your comments, it appears you completely missed the point of my response. You focus on the exceptions, and not on the rule. You give examples of when drinking has gone horribly wrong, and ignore the majority. I am not saying that drinking does not exacerbate issues. It clearly does. I'm not saying that it doesn't impact many people negatively. It clearly does. However, I wanted to make the point that it does have positive effects as well. For well rounded, emotionally balanced people, it can be beneficial and fun. I think that any person who believes you cannot have fun without drinking is a fool, and has a problem. As to children; I know as many people who do not drink who have children who do, than otherwise. Teens drink for a variety of reasons, and for most of them, it has little to do with their parents. I personally did not value the input of my parents as to drinking because you had no personal experience with it. You based all of your bias on how you were impacted negatively. I completely understand why you did, and can't say I would react any differently. You continue to think of drinking as the evil, and it is not. All evidence would point to Jesus and his disciples drinking regularly. Again, I don't mean abuse. I mean drinking. Socially, with meals, etc. Back to "little eyes watching." Because of the prevalence of drinking in our country, it is unavoidable that my children will come in contact with drinkers, both those who abuse it and those who don't. From personal experience, I see more benefit in my children seeing a good example of responsible drinking from people they respect. Doubtless they will see negative examples. Kids see everything.
As to the self medicative situations you mentioned, so called experts consistently prescribe medicines that inhibit the ability for people to "deal" with their problems. These medications mask the emotions and issues that a person is dealing with. That is not to say I think that either situation is the right thing to do, as both will lead to abuse of the substances provided, and likely a failure to deal with the issues at hand. I know many people that do not drink, but instead take anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety medications, which serve essentially the same purpose. But again, we are talking about people with issues, who drink because of those issues, and that was not the point of what I wrote.
As to your example of the boy who was negatively impacted by the presence of alcohol in his aunt and uncles house. I would surmise that the boy's parents extolled him about the evils of drinking and how dangerous and horrible it was. He was then obviously and rightly dissolutioned by the reality that good well balanced people can drink on occasion without negative effect. I can fairly surmise this, as this was the case in my own experience. However, because I hold no deep emotional issues, I was not impacted as was he. This goes to my point. Our government makes the same errors as did this boy's parents. We need to be honest with our kids about the dangers of alcohol, but not demonize it's use, because in reality, it should not be. Kids are smart. They see through subterfuge and the presence of hippocrace or effected dissinformation by their authorities often causes the very behavior they were taught to avoid. I think as parents the goal is to create well rounded educated, and open-minded children, so that if they do choose to partake in alcohol, or even illicit substances, they will survive unscathed. It has been my experience that the majority of kids will experiment regardless of examples by parents or other authorities. It has also been my experience that those kids that have a good example of integrity and grace react better in such situations than those that have been shown examples of ignorance of substance use. I know that we could go on all day, back and forth, with examples of cases in which kids and adults abuse alcohol for a variety of reasons, but the bottom line is that most do so, not for the sake of the alcohol, but because of various insecurities, or other similar issues. To juxtapose Jamie Fox's hit song, don't, "blame it on the alcohol," for the other issues drive the abuse.
I do not understand the logic behind the double message reasoning/modeling in your later post to Jamie.
Does an adult, who may legally drive a car, create a double message for a child who may not legally drive?
Adults drive cars. It is legal for an adult to drive. It is illegal for children to drive cars. Does this create and encourage illegal driving behavior in the child?
One would hope the adult models good driving behavior for the child, even though it is illegal for the child to drive, and it is legal for the adult to do so. This means the adult obeys traffic laws, doesn't speed, etc. Perhaps by modeling good driving behavior, the adult believes the child will also be encouraged to learn good driving behavior for the time when the child is able to legally drive.
You're married. It is legal for you to be married. It is illegal for a child to marry.
Does modeling a marriage create a desire within the child to marry illegally?
There are many behaviors that an adult may engage in legally that a child may not engage in until he/she is older.
Your logic suggests that an adult should not drive because a child may not drive.
Nathan,
My discussion was not one of legality. Clearly it is illegal for kids to drink. It is also illegal for a child to drive. However, making generalizations that all children should not drive because it is illegal, would be very confusing for a farm kid who has been driving since age 6. I don't suggest that kids should drink, farm from it. I am merely suggesting that the fact that you and Karen drink is not a negative thing when it comes to Kate. If one of Kates friends has parents who do not drink and who have preached to their children that all drinking is bad and evil, and they go to your house and see that you are responsible stable adults who just happen to drink on occasion, that child would become dissolutioned with his/her parents reasoning, and thus disregard their lesson.
I wasn't referring to your posts, Jamie.
My point is that mom's statement regarding, "Little eyes are always watching. You are training your children by what you do, not say," would also mean that is not okay for an adult to drive because a child cannot drive.
There are a lot of things adults do that children cannot or should not do.
I agree fully. Sorry for the confusion.
So...while I am tempted to go on and on with this conversation I don't have the energy for it. I think these things we agree on:
Abusive/excessive drinking is inappropriate.
Children are watching and we all hope that our examples are good, wise and something we would want our children to emulate.
Some people can drink moderately and responsibly.
Some people have fun drinking.
Our attitudes and behavior toward drinking effect our children and those around us, but there are too many variables to make a blanket statement about the parent/child connection.
And Carla and I think the world would be a better place if no one would drink.
I don't want to spend any more time on this topic. It is not fruitful. I love you and I hope you've considered my thoughts as I have considered yours.
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