Grief

Tonight I was riding the lawn mower. A beautiful evening, just right temp. No mosquitoes. I wanted to praise God as I rode. I love to praise. But I couldn't. I wanted to say, "Thank you God for the green grass." Actually I said it but the words were dead. Just words. And immediately Mom came to mind. Intellectually I could see no reason for that connection. Not being able to praise and Mom. Am I mad at God? I don't think so. But there is a place inside me that seems to have died.
I thought I did so well at the family reunion. I didn't think of Mom much at all. I loved seeing everyone. It was so fun. Even when we went to her home and people were taking things I didn't feel very sad. Then I opened her coat closet. Grief surprised me like a bear jumping out from behind a bush.
Then I've been fine and yesterday on our way to meet a couple we're doing marriage prep with we passed Noodles and Wraps. I felt like someone was taking my throat and cutting off my breath. I had to consciously breathe. Images of Mom and I sitting across from each other sharing a wrap and a drink. I miss her so much.
I wonder if I treasured her then as much as she seemed to treasure me? I felt so treasured in her presence.
Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever stop coming. Sometimes I don't want it to. I think I"m afraid if the pain stops, she will stop being near to me.
It's so conflicting. Grief. Good grief?