drinking

If you love drinking (and love is the right word) then don't read this please.
Why do I hate it. And I suppose hate is the right word, at least tonight.
I can't sleep and I'm obsessing about it. When I am less obsessive I think having a drink with your meals is fine. But not tonight. Tonight I am remembering.
"Friends" who drink a little too much and say things like, "You're never any fun."
or "Lighten up" just because I won't drink with them. Men who get drunk and are a little too friendly. People who say mushy, kind things when they're drunk, getting your hopes up that things might change but they never do.
Driving in a car when all my friends were drinking and driving, smoking, almost catching the car on fire. Friends who got drunk and slept with their boyfriends and spent a good part of their lives recovering from their mistakes.
Waiting on Christmas Eve for Dad to come home. We'd bought him a new recliner and he never came home. It was like a big elephant was in the room but nobody talked about it. Was he dead on the road somewhere? Did he even care?
Brothers waking my parents up in the night because they'd had an accident - driving and drinking. Laying there wondering if they were ok, knowing how my parents must have felt. Feeling their pain.
My son saying he was going to a kegger in the mountains with friends who would be drinking and hunting. Stressing over what to do...would he come home or have a bullet in his body.
Watching someone I love very much get drunk to relieve her stress. Wondering if it would get worse. Wishing she would just get counseling and face up to her problems.
Once a counselor told me I should learn to just laugh about my Dad's drinking - see the funny side of it. Maybe I want to hate it. Because I'm still angry.
But maybe some things are good to be angry about.
Like children who watched their Mom get spanked by their Dad because he came home drunk and was trying to use his power over her.
Like children who had to hide their siblings so they wouldn't get beaten.
Or just simple things like children not feeling loved or getting their homework done because their parents are mellowing out.
I suppose i could have wine at meals or champagne at weddings. But that just doesn't bring me joy. I wonder why...
I hope my grandchildren can grow up knowing they can have fun without having to have liquor to make it happen.
I hope they get "high" on sunsets, laughter and God.
I hope they don't need liquor or other drugs to say to each other the important things of life, to be close and good to each other.
I hope...
I keep thinking I should do something.
Be a part of the cure.
I hear addictions are usually about broken relationships. I think it could be.
I do know they don't help.
I suppose I do need to lighten up, laugh more,take life less seriously.
I hope I don't have to have alcohol or other drugs to make it happen.

For me

For me. I listened to my pray-as-you-go website today. It was about how we can, none of us, ever be perfect or even close to God's perfection. It's not about condemnation but about mercy. As I listened I thought about Mom. No matter what I did she was for me. She was my advocate. Moms generally are that way. They always want our best so sometimes they get after us. But even when we get mad at them for getting after us, deep within we know they are doing it because they love us. And, ultimately, having a parent means (for most of us) that somewhere, someplace there is someone who is attached to us at the heart. No matter what we do we are deeply loved and supported.
There is this place where love is found. That is surely what God is - only even more so. For us. Deeply committed to us, not because of what we are but because God is connected to us at the heart. And God IS love. God gets after us, just like our Mom. Exactly because Love does that. God is for us.

Early marriage

The post I just made reminded me of my early marriage. This year we'll be married 40 years. I struggle now thinking people need to wait until they've got all their "ducks in a row" before they get married. Especially the living together part. I was taught if you obeyed God then God would take care of you. And obeying God meant waiting until you were married to live together. I didn't work the summer before I got married. Gayle called and told me if I would stay home and be with my parents that summer he would pay me whatever I would have made. I think the check turned out to be about $200. Terry had worked at the pool as a life guard I think. Anyway, when we got married we had very little and we were planning on both attending the University of Missouri, KC together in the fall. We had 2 years behind us, me in Elementary Ed and Terry in pre-med. We lost the check from Gayle and had to ask him to write another. Probably threw it away with the gift wrap. I felt so responsible having to call Gayle. Uggh. Our honeymoon was traveling through Yellowstone and the Tetons on our way to Independence. When we got to our first home, a little apartment in the basement of an elderly couple's home ($75 a month - they felt bad when they told us they'd have to raise the rent to $82.50 the 2nd year we lived there) we had a letter waiting to tell us we could have loans and maybe grants too,(not sure)so we could go to school. Then Terry walked up to the hospital that was just a block away and got a job as a respiratory therapist aid. I got a job the next summer working at a rest home also only a few blocks away but I don't think I worked during the school year. We road together each morning to UMKC, about a half hour drive depending on when you left. It was a good time to talk and be together. It wasn't Graceland! It was the 60s and smelling pot on the people around us was just a part of the daily routine. We lived right across the street from Terry's sister, Susie. Terry's parents were in the same town. Susan and Paul had an apartment across town. We'd visit all of them. I thought Susan and Paul were rich because they had these wonderful salads with lots of veggies in them. Growing up at home we'd had only lettuce and maybe a tomato. I struggled with being homesick that first year. Terry said if he'd have had more money he'd have sent me home just so he could live with me. We had a little Volkswagon fastback. When Terry went to buy a car for us (while still at Graceland) he went by himself first and the dealer wouldn't take him seriously. He was frustrated and ended up taking his dad with him the next time. Embarrassing I'm sure. Now I realize how young we must have looked. Every day of school we packed a lunch and then we'd meet at the car and drive to a nearby dairy queen, buy a pop and listen to Paul Harvey as we ate our lunch. Some days we would go to a park or something. But mostly it was the DQ. I hadn't cooked much at home. And what I had cooked was for a large family.
Our early meals were "interesting." I was good at tomato soup and toasted cheese.
We had our struggles like all young couples. I thought he visited his family too much and he watched tv too much. I"m sure he had his complaints too. Though I don't remember what they were! We had some definite pluses. We both liked to go to church and at church we had older couples (probably in their 30s) who seemed to take us under their wings. Charlie and Hazel Brown, Barb and Jerry Wiley, Frog and Barney Barnhart just to name a few. Gil and Linda Martel lived above us and were good to us. We called Montana about once a week and could only talk for 5 minutes. It was just too expensive to talk longer. We went home for Christmas and sometimes for long weekends. Crazy. The country was going crazy with race problems, sit ins and laugh ins but we mostly just lived our lives, enjoyed family and friends. We made lost of memories. I wouldn't change any of it. It was just part of life, learning and growing. Sometimes Terry and I talk about how we wish we'd been better spouses, more loving to each other, better lovers, more wise. But I think we did the best we could at the time. God had a lot of work to do on us and still does 40 years later. I'm most thankful I was taught to love and try to serve God. That philosophy served us well.

# 4 Pray over everything

Prayer in our home growing up was just such a way of life. I give Mom credit for that. She prayed about everything and then gave God credit when it happened.
When I wanted to go to Graceland after high school I asked God to help me be able to do that. I planned on going but I didn't have much money. Really, I worked every summer, mostly at the school for retarded children in Boulder. And I worked the summer after my Senior year. I lived with Ballards during the week and then came home on the weekends. I remember the day Mom called to tell me I'd gotten a letter from Graceland. She opened it and read it to me. I'd gotten a loan, grant and work assignment that covered my going to Graceland my first year. We praised God together.
"God is good," we said. And when I got to Graceland I roomed with Susan in the dorm that first semester. She and I waited excitedly each month when Veda Jacob's check came in the mail. $15 each month. We used it for our necessities like laundry, books, and notebooks. Truthfully, I can't remember what else we needed. That's just one example of praying and trusting God for stuff.

Kenneth Floyd Sacry

I recently got to spend a little time with Ken. Not enough. I came away going, "I really like that guy!" He's an amazing person. I really like him. I love his laugh. People say to me, "Is he the one with the laugh?" I think Ken is like this ball of light that goes around lighting up people's lives wherever he goes. Each place he visits gets a little bit of the light and the world's a better place because he stopped by. Even when his own life is hard he cares about others. He sees their needs and does something to help.
I love his honesty. Even if he will miss a sale, he tells his customers the truth. "No, you really don't need that heater." or "You really could wait a year for that."
It blesses me that there is someone who still speaks the truth.
I love his straight forward attitude. Like in our family meetings when he asks direct questions and is open.
I love his desire to learn. He keeps taking classes and reads all the time. He wants to know things and learn.
I love his Mom-like faith. He sees God's involvement in things and praises.
I love his tender heart. I appreciate his generosity.
I love his determination to do what is right. His priorities are mostly right.
I love his strong body and warm hugs.
I love that he keeps in touch with his siblings.
I love his pretty eyes, the way they sparkle when he talks.
OK, so here's what I don't like about Ken.
I don't like that he doesn't take time for himself often enough. Because I love him i want him to get a massage once a week, relax more often, tell his customers he needs Saturday and Sunday off every week, exercise, whatever. I want him to come to Montana and just play. Or take a vacation that's just for him.
I know you read my blog, Ken. So are you taking time for yourself today?
I love you.

#3 Put God First

"Seek first the Kingdom and all these things will be added to you." One time Mom threatened to ground Brian. He said, "What are you going to ground me from? All we do is go to church." Growing up, it seemed like putting God first was pretty easy. When we were little we just played and then on Wednesday nights and Sundays we went to church. Of course, as we all got into high school sports were so much of our life. That never conflicted with church though. Even if we were up late with games we were up early for church. This teaching about God first played out in the summer especially when Mom told us, "When you go to get a summer job, just tell your employer right off the bat that you want off for camp and if you have faith you'll get the job." I always did that and it worked. Or Mom told us to pay our tithing and God would take care of the rest. So when I was early married Terry and I made camps and reunions our top priority and did the same. When our kids were little it was hard. Going to church was sometimes not too uplifting. We sometimes wondered why we went. I suppose our stubbornness helped out then. As I got older I realized that going to church was not all putting God first was about. Like, should I paint my room or take time for a friend? Should I go to bible study or mow the yard? Should we spend our money on a trip to Mexico or give to the Haitian children? Sometimes I just want to tell God, "I'm tired of being a Christian today. I just want to do my own stuff." And sometimes I do. Sometimes life just seems too hard and I prefer colors of walls and carpet to children who are being abused or adults who are being divorced. Sometimes I'd rather read a romance novel than study for a sermon. I tell myself it's balance. But I wonder... When I put God first in my every day life I begin to love God most in my heart. When I choose to study rather than read the romance I am richly blessed. Things are bumped up to a whole new level. I'm amazed at how God seems to be waiting, anxiously to bless and uplift me when I make God my first priority. It's probably my biggest struggle still.