Intimacy interrupted

I was in high school. It was one of those perfect days, 70's, pleasant and sunny. I came home into the quiet of the living room. Mom was lying on our orange couch on her back. Dad was on the floor sitting next to her. They were both smiling. Both were fully clothed, her in a cotton dress. I'm not sure what he wore. What impressed me most was that his hand was resting on her dress over her breast. It was an intimate moment for them but he did not attempt to move his hand. To move at all would have ruined the moment - both for them and for me. I wanted to freeze it. I wanted it to never go away. I was sorry I had interrupted them. For a few moments I felt the peace of the love they shared. That was over 45 years ago and I still treasure that memory.

Roller Coaster

I do not like myself. I am not doing life well. I am impatient, anxious, and lack self control. I cannot focus. Sometimes I'm angry with Dad and the next minute I'm so in love with him that I think I can't bear the tenderness. I'm irrational. Things that meant so much 6 months ago seem worthless to me. People annoy me. I can't talk to people for over a minute without wishing they would disappear. I fake alot. I want to be alone but I am depressed if I'm alone very often. I feel like running and running until I fall exhausted. I have no creative ability. I love to be with my siblings but I only want to be with them and not speak. When I'm away from Dad for very long I'm anxious and need to be back near him. When I'm there I don't care if we talk. I just want to be close. And after awhile the intensity of the love I feel drives me away as surely as it brought me there. When the phone rings I have an anxious moment, wondering if it's about him...he's gone? he's had a spell? I want to drawl up on the bed near him and just hold him. I'm falling off a cliff but I never seem to hit bottom.
the other day I was expressing to a friend how frustrated I was with myself. She said, "Do you have to hit your 3 pointers all the time?" It was a good thing for me to hear. Do I have to be perfect when my Dad is dieing? Do I have to be nice? Do I have to like people? Do I have to be responsible?
I find myself being angry at people who don't understand my grief. I'm mad when people are not sad or compassionate for Dad but it's ok if I feel that way myself.
I feel tired all the time. I feel selfish and self-centered.
The other day someone expressed their amazement that I'm not taking this all in faith. "Don't you know he's going to heaven?" It seems the least of my worries. I felt annoyed that she does not know how hurtful those kind of statements feel.
I'm also annoyed if people try to comfort me. I feel like shoving people away. I'm mad no matter what people do.
When I was little I prayed Dad would never come home. Now I don't know how to feel. I want him here and I want him to die.
Sometimes I feel so connected to his dieing that I feel like when he dies I will die too. In his mortality I am experiencing my own. I sometimes feel like life will never be anything but what it is now. That I will never hold my grandchildren again or climb a mountain and enjoy the view or laugh at a silly book.
I am afraid to write all this because I don't want people to worry but I'm needing so much to express myself and hope someone is listening. Just listening, not judging or fixing or even completely understanding.
Because I've experienced it before I know it's grief and I will get through it. And I know there is a God who is silently watching and crying too. A God who expects nothing from me right now. Who just holds me...