Car Wrecks

Today, I drove Jamie's car to Whitehall from Missoula so he could potentially sell it to a friend of ours. On the way down the Butte Hill, driving on snow, ice and slush I went into a slide. I was thinking just before the slide about bad things happening to good people. I was thinking that bad things do happen and that prayer is about changing our souls. By souls I mean that "spiritual" part of us that can connect with God. I was thinking about how it doesn't matter so much what happens but our attitude about it and how the peace of Christ can overcome any obstacle. I was feeling that peace when the slide began. I turned into the slide (so proud of myself) and hit the medium (cement thing) with the front driver side bumper which knocked me in a circle and I hit the rear passenger side bumper, spun the whole 360 degree way around and was back on the road, driving down the hill. (I had not wet my pants - another thing I am proud of!) A policeman was 2 cars behind me and followed me about a forth of a mile, then pulled me over to see if I was alright. After I blubbered to him for a few seconds about how I was driving my son's car home to get sold and felt bad that it wouldn't get as much now, he looked the scrapes over and said it wasn't even bad enough to report, just some scrapes. He had another worse wreck to attend to down the road. I sat there a few minutes by myself, getting my tears out, thanked God I was alive and things weren't worse and then drove home, calling Jamie on the way to tell him about his car. (He was very gracious.)
The last time I had a bad wreck I was driving our new volkswagon station wagon home from Montana back to Independence in 1972 (approx) I came over the hill near Broadus to hit black ice. Before I started that slide I was thinking how proud Terry would be of me that I was making such good time. He was asleep in the back when I hit the ice. He kept saying things like, "Easy, don't over correct, keep it steady." Then the car spun around backwards, rolled over and landed on it's wheels in the barrow pit beside the road. I sat in the car as it's wheels wabbled to a stop, thinking that I had probably killed my husband who wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He must have known I was worried about him because the first thing he said was, "I'm alright. I'm alright." (reassuring tone) We checked each other out and I had a big bruise on my left upper arm. Nothing else was wrong with either of us.
About both wrecks Terry was reassuring, confident, thankful I was alright and ready to face this challenge, believing it would be alright.
Before I left Butte today, I prayed for a safe journey home. Before we left Montana in '72 we prayed for a safe journey. I have no answer for those who prayed for safe journeys and did not receive that blessing. Yet, I continue to pray and ask for journeys mercies. And many other mercies. And I continue to say a "done prayer" when I arrive safely. (when I remember) Do I do it because I can find peace no other way? Or because I believe God's hand is in all things when we pray? I don't have all the answers. But I do know that God's Spirit had been close to me, reassuring and blessing, even in the middle of trials. With it I can go through anything.
And, I believe, that sometimes, for reasons God only knows, God's hand reaches out and keeps us safe, even when we don't deserve it or pray.

Perfect Susan

I have been trying this morning to think if there is anyone I admire more than I do my sister, Susan. I can't think of anyone at the moment. The thing I adore most about her is her ability to be herself. She seems not to be threatened by the fact that someone might not like her if she speaks her mind. Yet she is not rude. Is, in fact, very kind and loving. She is compassionate, yet not soggy. She does not help you have a pity party. She has Mom's ability to laugh in the midst of pain. And to help you laugh in the middle of your own.

I think this ability was born with her and cultivated through the difficulties of her life. Her first challenge was a Mother who was like her. To hear each of them talk, it is clear that they had a bit of an adverserial relationship from the beginning. Whereas Dennis was "perfect", Susan was always in Mom's face. When I think of Susan as a child I think of her complaining, bossing, controlling. I don't think she was a popular member of our family. We were not a fighting family. It was important not to say anything unless it was nice. I think Susan and Randy were the exceptions and maybe Kerry. Thank God for them.
Susan was so angry at Mom for getting pregnant "again" when Diane was on the way. She made no bones about it. "I can't believe it!" Those were her words to Mom the day Susan found Mom sorting through a box of maternity clothes.
One time Jim and I and whoever were playing "communion." Pretending to pass the plate, drink the juice. Susan came in and was so angry that we were being so irreverant.
If I was afraid I laid in the dark and kept it to myself. Susan ran around in the middle of the thunder storms unplugging lights, telling people to stop ironing, herding us all over to Grandma's house where we would be "safe."
If I was angry at someone I kept quiet, smoldering in the silent retreat of my bedroom. Susan spoke right up and was done with it.
I never envied her early on because I didn't see the gift that it was. We were supposed to be quiet and nice and never hurt anyone's feelings. I began loving her fiercely during our teen years. She was my hero. She saved me from the "evil" advances of teenage boys by telling me just what not to do. She helped me look just right every morning as I went to school. She taught me to be nice to people and treat everyone the same regardless of their status. And more.

As an adult, I envy her. I suppose it is the practice at speaking what she saw as the truth, coupled with the wisdom that comes with age that gives her now the wonderful ability to speak her mind, not fearing rejection or shame. And doing it with kindness. And I see that, at her work, with her friends, at church, in her family she is greatly loved for exactly that quality. It has given her family, friends and co-workers a trust in her that is beautiful. They know that she will be honest. They know that she is kind. They know that she will say what is best for the whole situation. They know that she cares deeply for them. She is an amazing teacher because she carries with her a sense of authority, yet a true desire to do what is best for each student as well as the whole. She is a good wife because she loves Paul deeply but she knows she has to take care of herself too. She is a wonderful Mother because her children know where she stands.
Most importantly for me, she is a "perfect" sister because she is not afraid of being "not perfect". She is the person I think of when I think of the scripture "What does the Lord require of you? To do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." I have always had the blessing of having her go before me. I watched her enter each school setting first. She was the first to date; the first to go to college; the first to get married; the first to raise children; the first to go to work; the first to have children leave. The first to have grandchildren. I'm always watching and learning. Everytime I'm with her I come away inspired to be more like her. She is an amazing gift to me. Thank you, Susan, and thank you God.

Tongue pain

Last week I went with Mom to my brother, Brian's junior high girls basketball game in the Cardwell school gym. Going there is definitely a nostalgia time for me. It looks so small now. During that time I used the restroom. They have rearranged it somewhat but it still had the same area where I spent so much time, especially as a girl "hang out" when I was in Junior high myself.
I had a few memories there - small ones but, evidently, big ones since I still recall their emotional impact on me.
It seemed as though one friend was always talking and we all were listening. She was rather strong in her opinions. One day as we gathered there,(Do girls still spend so much time visiting in the bathroom?) she said how great it was that older women like our mothers were now wearing pants instead of dresses. She made it sound like if you didn't change you were old fashioned and EVERYONE would be wearing pants now. I still remember the feeling of tears welling up in my eyes as I tried to control my anger towards her. I LOVED my beautiful mother in her dresses. I could feel the soft folds of my mother's dresses, holding on to them as a small child. It was as though my friend (yes, she was my friend and still is even though her words wounded me many times) were ripping out a precious part of my life. I thought, "It won't happen to MY mother. But I didn't say a thing.
Another time this same friend said, "That's why your Mother's dishrags stink. You have to rinse them out with cold water." Oh, was I angry! I stayed silent.
Another time we were all discussing the latest tv soap (don't remember which one). We had been following it and some lady was pregnant on the show. Each of us were offering our opinion on who was the father of the child. A dear, kind and sweet girl who had just moved to our community was very protected and innocent. She spoke up, "Well, I think, if she marries Joe, he will be the father. And if she marries Dan, he will be the father." We all broke up laughing. She had no idea why.
I wish I could quote right now all the scriptures about the pain inflicted by a tongue. (Or a laugh)
Whirling in my brain like snowflakes on a windy day,
Thoughts of moments, instances, seconds only, years ago,
Changing me forever. Influences.
Insignificant at the time to those near me.
Yet I was changed, and am yet, by words, looks, moments so small.
So large to my soul.
He said one word, chiding me.
She touched my hand.
She praised my voice.
He understood.
He thought I was less.
She stood up for me.
What will happen today that years later I will think of?
Or, maybe, never remember but is still embedded in my soul?
Let me walk gently today, listen and obey Your voice.
So I will not inflict pain on any.
Prayer, life changing prayer.
Walk by the Spirit. Lives will be changed today...