warmth

I don't think I would have crawled up beside her in the bed if Diane had not invited me. "Go lay beside her. It helps." I had gone home for a few days when Mom was in rehab. Susan was with her when she had her second stroke. She called Diane and then me. We hurriedly left to be there. Some people think comas are so terrible but, for me, it was what kept me sane. To be able to feel the warmth of her body. To put my arm around her waist and lay my head on her shoulder. During that time I still had her.
Tonight we drove past the Cardwell cemetary. My irrational mind thought of her cold body there by herself. I cried most of the way home. It didn't matter that she isn't really there. Nothing sane made sense. I just wanted her back. My Mother who had always held and hugged me. The one it was safe to lean against. The one whose hand I could hold without feeling uncomfortable. The one who made me feel warm inside and out.
I remembered how it felt in the hospice room as she was dieing. Watching her breathe while we talked, laughed, ate. It felt like we were children again. The comfort of knowing she was there even though we were ignoring her as she worked somewhere in the house. And then she took her last breath. The warmth left her body so quickly. I think it was Diane who said, "If you're going to touch her do better do it now because parts of her are already cold." It sounds kind of callace now but at the time it was kind. I felt her arms and legs and they were cold and I couldn't stand to be there with her longer. She wasn't there anymore. Not at all.
I said to Terry tonight, "I think God should allow us a good warm, long hug once in awhile. He could make it that way if He wanted to." I drove home feeling empty. Longing. For her warmth.
I will hold Terry extra long tonight. I will hug Dad longer. I will do things with those I love more often. I will put aside things that are so unimportant. I will believe deep within my being that someday Mom and I will hug again, that she is thinking of me, missing me too. I will believe in a good God who knows what is best. I will believe that Mom is safe, full of joy and warm.