Generosity

Many months ago our church leadership asked if the membership might consider increasing our donations by 1% because some programs would have to be cut otherwise. Terry and I were able to do that and, I think, thankfully. But as time went on I began to feel proud of the amount we were able to give. I began to wish people knew how much we gave. (I'm embarassed to admit)
It has been a very vulnerable year for me. Since Mom died this person who does not cry any more has not really stopped. Add to that the ups and downs of 2 new babies (definite ups), one miscarriage(we thought), our dog getting killed and all that went with that, finding out the miscarriage had not happened (wonderful joy), Dad's heart attack. Other things I can't mention. We knew we needed to get away by ourselves. We noticed Michael Card, one of my favorite Christian singers was doing the devotions at a retreat center called Glen Eyrie, down in Colorado Springs. It was a marriage retreat. Just the ticket we thought but wondered if we should spend the money before we knew how our taxes would work out. Tickets were cheap and we took the plunge.
Dad had his heart attack on Monday and the retreat started on Saturday. He was recovering fine so we went. I didn't realize how fragile I was. I began to get a hint of it when Terry and I walked into the greeting area of the center. We were welcomed lovingly and invited to eat some wonderful snacks. I teared up just from that loving treatment. When we read in our packets I found out we were in group 5, Michael Card's group. And then a coupon fell out that gave us a free Chai at the bookstore. (I love chai tea!) I started crying when I read the coupon. It's hard to explain, but I knew it was God's provision, God's generosity for me.
That was only the beginning. I had prayed on the airplane, "God, I can't pray lately. I have no joy, no praise within me. Help me pray in your Spirit again." On the first morning devotion the young man leading spent the time on prayer. He was also the music leader and his devotions were so uplifting. Music is so healing to my soul.
The couple who lead some of the classes spoke on healing, sabbath (ceasing) and finding time for renewal. They had dealt with burn out personally and were so loving and grace filled.
Michael Card spent much of his class time teaching about the "radical reversal" that Jesus taught. For example, the religious leaders of that time taught and believed that it was about, if you do good, you will be blessed and many of Jesus parables were about grace for those who had not met the standards of the religious establishment of the day. In spite of wrong actions, Jesus extended grace to them and was hard on the religious leaders. I sat listening to this message of grace despite out failings and I began to think about not paying my tithing this month. Right before we left we strambled to find money to pay our taxes. In the end, we barely had enough. When I looked over our finances I realized we had not payed tithing. I was so disappointed in myself. Sitting there listening about "radical reversal" I realized that the amount of money we had spent on this retreat equaled the amount we usually spent on tithing. Instead of feeling guilty, I realized God was saying to me, "This month, I'm giving to you." Talk about radical reversal! I felt completely at peace and extremely blessed by God's generosity.
In our small group we shared with couples who had been deeply wounded. Some of their issues were our issues as well. Some had lost spouses, children and others so dear to them. We all had differing theologies but we shared together as brothers and sisters.
In one of sessions Michael talked about how the miracles of Jesus were not really the miracles. I realized the "miracles" of the chai tea, michael in my group, the prayer devotion, my perfect group were not really the miracle. The miracle was that God was aware of my needs, my pain, my fragile nature, my need for healing. God was not giving me those gifts. God was giving me Himself. And that is the only gift that really matters.