God's Love, no fear

"We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." What does that mean?! Well it certainly doesn't mean nothing bad happens to those who love God. I found that out in 1995 when I discovered I had an acoustic neuroma, a brain tumor positioned on the nerve connected from the brain to the ear. I'd lost quite a bit of hearing in my left ear and was experiencing dizzy spells. One day, at the clinic I ran into the wall just out of the blue. So Terry had me go to a specialist who did an MRI and discovered this benign, slow growing tumor and assured me it needed to be removed.
The day the report came in I came by the clinic and Terry was "distraught." He told me I had a tumor. He showed it to me on the MRI. I said, "Good, now I can get it fixed." He said, "Yes, but you could be in the wheel chair the rest of your life!" That did not make me happy.
The funny part of that day was going to Mom's apartment on 2nd street to tell her. Diane was there visiting. Those of you who know Mom can imagine this scene.
"I just found out I have a brain tumor!"
"Well, good, now you can get this taken care of!" (apple not far from the tree)
"Yeah, but I could be not able to walk afterward!"
"Well, (some other positive comment I can't remember)
"I could die!"
(silence)
Suddenly we all three broke out laughing! For some reason, that was the end of my fear.
I really did have a sense of calm through the time until after my surgery. What I did feel was a need to make all my moments and my relationships right. We went to visit in the midwest, stopping to see Nathan in Concordia. We were sitting in a restraunt talking about trivia. I sat there feeling a sense of urgency. I said, "I'm sorry you guys but if this were my last conversation with you I don't want to talk about trivia." ( as you can tell, I was not too sensitive to others' feelings.)
Though I had calm, Terry was full of fear. One Saturday he went to a meeting in Deer Lodge, left in the middle of it and came home just to hold me. It didn't help that the surgery was 10hours instead of the promised 6. He waited, knowing the things doctors know. He said during that time he survived by breathing in the words, "God's love" and breathing out the words, "No fear." Realizing the surgery was way too long and Terry would be worrying, Dr. Braby came out at one point and allowed Terry to come into the surgery room and see me, hanging in a bag, but definitely alive. Because of the consistanty of the tumor it took longer to remove than anticipated.
Following the surgery Terry was fine. Even when I lost my facial nerve and looked freaky. Even when I kept calling him to come back to the hospital from Diane and Pete's in the middle of the night to be with me. Even when he helped me to the bathroom, changed my hospital bed and I came back and threw up and peed on it. Even when I passed out in the elevator as he was taking me home. It was difficult but he was fine. He knew I wasn't leaving him. After surgery was the hard part for me! But that's another story.
The part of this story I love was about a year and a half later when Terry and I were at a Young Life camp in Oregon. The whole group we took were going to climb a ropes course. It's a difficult course there, high up, walking along wires. Even though it's next to impossible to get hurt, it's very scarey. One of the boys, Chris, did not want to do it when the rest of the group went. But it ate at him and the next day he asked Terry if he could do it. So Terry and I and another kid went to watch and support him. He was scared to death! But he was doing it! As he walked along the wire I heard Chris repeating something to himself. Terry was saying, "Keep saying it Chris!" I asked Terry what Chris was saying. He told me, "God's love, no fear." All through the course, that's what Christ was repeating so he could do it.
I stood watching, praising God for the many good things God had brought out of our difficult situation. "All things work for good."