Gone

I prayed that I could be with Dad when he died. This summer because of being in Virginia, having grandkids here, reunion, etc., I was not at Dad's as much as usual. My other siblings did so much then. It had, in fact, been 3 weeks since I'd stayed there overnight. The day before he died we came to see Dad. He was so miserable. I can't really explain his eyes but I could tell her was not doing well inside, I mean mentally, emotionally. He had told me a few days before that he had thought it would be his last night but he woke up so... I think he wanted to go but he hated to leave everyone. And he was very tired of life as it was. We had to go take a friend to the hospital that Sunday afternoon. When we came back Dad was very sick. He kept spitting up and sometimes vomiting. I offered to play pinochle with him to take his mind off of it all but when we tried he couldn't hold the cards. I told him to forget that idea and go rest in his chair. He did willingly. He was not walking well, very feeble. He wanted to sleep in his small bed in the living room. He never went back to the hospital bed that was near it. Marlene thinks he didn't want to die in it. He fell immediately asleep but woke up shortly coughing. Each time he fell asleep it was the same. I strongly suggested he sit up in his recliner. Terry came out and suggested Marlene give him some morphine under his tongue. It seemed to help. Dad went to sleep and so did everyone else. Sometimes Terry stayed up with him but T had a bad headache and I wanted to sit in the chair next to Dad. I sat up so I would hear him if he needed me. I fell asleep and slept for a few hours. Maybe around 2:30 his coughing/choking woke me up. It was loud and gurgley. As I turned to him he was very red in the face and seemed to be choking. I ran for Terry and then he said to go get Marlene. We couldn't do much. Dad got over that spell but we all knew something was wrong. He didn't seem coherrant. Yet when we talked about him he said a few things that let us know he knew what we were saying. His color was back to normal and then as we watched he changed. I don't know if you'd call it a coma but he seemed to be gone from us. At first Terry couldn't get a pulse. Then it came back. His face sagged. He began that breathing that Mom did when she died. We all just watched. Marlene stood behind him and patted and rubbed his head and cheeks. I knelt beside him and held his hand and stroked his hairy arm. Terry sat nearby. It was hard for him, knowing he should and could do nothing. I wanted to touch Dad's skin and be with him as long as possible. I consider it a privilege that I was there; that I could stay with him and support him until he was gone. And then he was...gone. I wondered if he was floating out of his body like some people say they do or if he was walking to the light or if he had Jesus' open arms around him. When Mom died I didn't care, I just wanted her back. With Dad, I was so tired of seeing him hurt. And I just wanted him to know, to know that the things he hoped about God were true. Loving, forgiving, welcoming. All my life I have prayed that Dad would let God take over his life. I prayed Dad would be able to receive that Love. I believe there were times when he knew it, like when Gil annointed him in the hospital at Billings or when certain people prayed or spoke words that hit the target of his heart. Early on during this last 6 months Diane called and suggested we pray before Dad went to sleep. If we forgot, he would say, "You haven't prayed with me." He often would cry and tell me how much those prayers meant to him. I believe Heaven is like that...a place where we can feel that peace and joy all the time. I believe Dad is knowing now what he longed for here. "For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face." I miss you, Dad. I'm so thankful you are there.