Whitehall Reiffs

2012-01-26T05:57:00.000-08:00

It was a bad week. I had 2 hard days. Have you ever just not known how to talk to anyone about how you feel? And you thought people were tired of your complaining so you were just quiet? but I needed to get it out. I needed to be fed spiritually. I needed to verbally process. I had missed a call from Diane, my sister in Missoula. No message and I got busy and didn't return it. Tuesday we were going to Missoula to see Matt and his family.(Maci - yeah!) On the way over I called Diane and she was so excited about getting together. We sometimes don't when I'm there because I'm busy with Matt's family or she's busy with her activities. She said she could spend the day with me! Wow! What a treat! Wednesday morning I got up early and went to her house. She was having a fast and pray day to prepare for her family's trip to Africa. She was preparing for her prayer time and was glad I could join her. She had some needs that she shared with me and I shared with her but mostly we talked about God and how amazing and astounding God is. She read Isaiah 58 and a devotion from her book she has to read to prepare. Some of her readings were about prayer and it's importance in preparation. I had been starting to do prep for our reunion I direct. I needed to hear that message. She needed to be with family. She was lonesome for Mom and Dad and so was I. Some of the things we shared were things only kids of Mom and Dad would feel and understand in the same way. I really can't explain exactly how it all came together but we each had a need and that need was met though our meeting. We each believe God was in that meeting, that time together. We each believe prayer is important. It is one of the greatest gifts I have that I have sisters who share my faith. Especially who openly profess and inwardly praise God through Jesus Christ. Thanks Diane. Thanks God. You did it again! I never can figure out just how You do it but I know You know me and so quickly move to show Your support and Love.

2012-01-13T06:31:00.000-08:00

I love diversity. I like different breakfasts every morning. I like meeting different kinds of people. I love listening to different ideas. Once we were involved in a bible study with people of many different faiths. It was so stimulating. Each of them told us they were raised to believe their church was "the one true church." Of course I thought that was unique to the RLDS faith. Once we talked about baptism and those who practice infant baptism shared their belief about that. I found it interesting and I could see the view but I didn't have to embrace it myself. With that group I didn't feel compelled to talk them into my way. I loved being there and had great respect for those who came. I especially liked those who didn't try to talk me into their beliefs. This morning I listened to a website the Mormons have on the "I am a Mormon" thing. I enjoyed it very much. Many mornings I listen to a devotion, "Pray-As-You-Go". It's a Catholic site and the music and scriptures bless me so much. I hear many negative things about "right wing christianity" but when I meet them I'm impressed by their passion for God. I absolutely love those who sincerely want to find God and spend their lives searching. I love my own church. Really, I've given much of my life for it. Even at times when I didn't like it very much I continued going and giving. I think it's just part of my Golden Retreiver personality. I'm loyal and faithful. I love the idea of continuing revelation, that God still speaks. I love our way of working together as a community. I love that we are trying now to listen and understand each other. I also love the things I've learned with contact with people of other faiths. It was people of other faiths who taught me to love scripture and learn about Jesus more completely. It was from people of other faiths that I learned to worship in more ritualistic ways. I love the rituals in some churches. I would be less of a person if I had not listened and embraced other faiths. I believe God is at work in each one of us and in many faiths, bringing people to their Creator.
I wish you could see the sunrise now. It's amazing.

Moments

2012-01-02T07:17:00.000-08:00

I love getting books for Christmas. This year I am reading 3. The 3rd Harry Potter so I can talk to Spencer who is also reading them. I picked up one for myself for Christmas by Joyce Meyer who I am always helped by- " 100 Ways to Simplify Your Life." I"m reading a way a week and trying to put it into practice. Day one was, "Do One Thing At a Time". Focus our minds on the thing we're doing, stay in the moment. I've found such joy in enjoying my moments. It's quite a discipline and I will have to work on it all year. I am enjoying sunrises, the softness of Angel's fur, the beauty of our cat's face, listening, really hearing Terry.
My all time favorite book I got from Nathan and Karen and it's from Public Radio's "Speaking of Faith" by Krista Tippett. It is touching a very inner core in me. Yesterday I read, "Develop eyes to see and ears to hear"...something mysterious happens when you train your eyes to see differently, your ears to hear differently, to attend to what you have been ignoring." She says every religious tradition has these same ideas.
I love how these two books are teaching me the same value. The value of Life lived a moment at a time. When I get the same message from so many directions I thank God because I know I need that message and I believe it's coming from the Divine.
Speaking of God...Is God not like a Parent to longs to bless Her children if they will only ask? That is the God I believe in. It seems like if I truly want to find God, putting aside all else, God is immediately at my side. Well, I suppose God is always there and I just have made myself ready to receive. - finally.

2011

2012-01-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

I think the end of a year and the beginning of a new is a great time. I like it. I like to think of what I'm thankful for. So here goes.
First and foremost, I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm thankful that my Mother was a great woman of faith whose faith was her first love. Seeing that example profoundly effected my life. I'm thankful I had many other relatives who struggled through the journey of faith so I could watch them and learn. I'm thankful that through my life I was allowed to be a part of church families where I met giants in faith who inspired as well as supported me on my own journey. I'm thankful for this year when I felt more open and honest about my faith struggles. I know God is constant, faithful, sure, and definitely not a tame lion. (CS Lewis) I'm thankful for friends and loved ones who journey with me. I'm thankful God does not always answer my prayers the way I want.
I'm thankful that I was taught to pray believing that my prayers are heard and answered, sometimes even in ways I could see.
This year I am thankful that even in tough times I could say thank you because I know God is a God of redemption and salvation - the many dimensions of salvation (Steve Veazy from God)
and I know that I will learn and that so many good things come from the struggles. In fact, I'm deeply thankful for struggles. (most days)
This year I am thankful for an amazing husband. He has always been faithful - no, I don't mean he has not commited adultery though he hasn't and I don't take that lightly. I mean he is faithful in working very hard at doing what is best for me. He finds my happiness as one of his utmost goals. Through my recent dis-ease he has been patient, supportive and loving. When we were spending many nights at Dad's March through August he never complained or even whined once. He teaches, learns, gives great neck and leg rubs, loves our children, works hard, supports us well. Most importantly he journeys in faith with me and sharing that journey with the most important person in my life is one of my greatest blessings.
I'm thankful for my children. They teach me. Because of our umbilical connection I will learn from them in ways I would not learn from others. They have become such amazing adults. Their respect and caring for me means so much. I admire them and pray for them daily. This paragraph includes my chldren's spouses who are the best!
I'm thankful for my grandchildren. They give me life. When I grow up I want to be just like them.
I'm thankful for my church family. They are saving me. They are real.
I have many other wonderful things to be thankful for but breakfast is ready.

Rest

2011-12-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

I like to contribute. There have been times in my life when I could not. After surgeries, when I was sick, things like that. During those times, at least once my Mom would say, "Carol Ann, there is a time to do for others and a time to have done for you. This is your time to rest." And she was usually the one to do for me. One time I received the following article from her:

"Into a Desert Place Apart." Matt 14:13

There is no music in a rest, but there is a making of music in it.. In our whole life melody the music is broken off here and there by "rests" and we foolishly think we have come to the end of the tune. God sends a time of forced leisure, sickness, disappointed plans, frustrated efforts, and makes a sudden pause in the choral hymn of our lives and we lament that our voices must be silent, and our part is missing in the music that ever goes up to the ear of the Creator. How does the musician read the "rest?" See him beat the time with unvarying count, and catch up the next note true and steady, as if no breaking place had come between.
Not without design does God write the music of our lives. Be it ours to learn the tune and not be dismayed at the "rests." They are not to be slurred over, not to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keynote. If we look up, God himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on him, He shall strike the next note full and clear. If we sadly say to ourselves, "There is no music in a "rest", let us not forget "There is the making of music in it." The making of music is often a slow and painful process in this life. How patiently God works to teach us... How long He waits for us to learn the lesson. Ruskin

Thanks, Mom. Sometimes I still need to hear that lesson.

Linda

2011-11-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

Today I would like to honor a dear friend and mentor. Of all the people I have been blessed to know and love, she is one of the best. I asked her several years ago to be my spiritual mentor. She is totally committed to God. I got to know her when we joined Young Life. She, Ron, her husband, along with the Bowmans invited us, supported us, lead us, taught us... Linda was intentional. She never threw things together. When she prepared a devotional for a leaders meeting I felt honored to be there. She listened intently, when I needed to talk, was humble about advise she gave, prayed believing, and, what I loved most about her, stood for what she felt was right. There was no back up to Linda. Yet once, during one of our meetings she said something that offended the men. Especially one who didn't say much. That week each of the men received a letter of apology for her lack of wisdom. She just was so intent on standing for good and right. When YL thought of getting rid of people from our church because we weren't conservative enough she wrote letters, and rallied for us. Without her we would probably not have been able to continue. She loved us and she also believed in us. I trusted her so much. She was strong, intelligent, a learner. She was not afraid to stand against a principle even if she was looked down on. She told me once that she had 3 sisters. One was known for her beauty, one for her athletic ability and she was known for her intelligence. She was not bragging, even kind of apologizing for not being a beauty. She was intelligent and used her intelligence coupled with her faith and in line with the Holy Spirit to do what was right. I was in a Bible study in her home for awhile with other Methodist women. What a treat! She was so well prepared. Once she even used a set of tapes by Barbara Higdon on Peace for her study with us. I loved that she was so open to whatever was valuable regardless of the denomination. I asked her once why she was so open like that. She said she guessed she had traveled and seen too much to be any other way. Linda loved nature, watching her birds, taking care of the earth, hiking, finding joy in life. If someone was hurting she spent much of her valuable time taking in food, visiting, taking them to Dr appointments. I feel like I wish I could write a beautiful tribute to her but I just don't have the words. I am crying today because I loved her so much. I am writing like she has died and , in a way, she has. Maybe about 5 years ago Linda was diagnosed with Alzheimers. In the past few weeks her disease has progressed to the point that her family is having to put her into a home. She and her husband have a marriage that is strong and lovely and good. The kind of relationship where they could say anything to each other, share everything and they loved doing most everything together. Ron has been amazing with her. But now her mind is completely gone and he can no longer handle her. Please join me in praying for this dear family this week. I hope she can go Home soon and be with the Savior she loved, lived for and would like to be with. I am thankful for the blessing of her in my life and for what she has passed on to me. I am a better person because of her.

Mom Reiff

2011-10-15T07:53:00.001-07:00

I have not written much about Terry’s Mom. I called her Mom or Mom Reiff. She was a strong woman and because I did notknow how to be assertive with her I did not accept the fullness of hergoodness. But there were many times whenwe were very close and I loved her deeply and miss her sometimes so much. I wish we could talk now and I hope somedaywe will be able to again. I have littledoubt we will. There was one time whenwe were especially close. When she wasabout the age I am now, she got cancer. I’m not sure of it’s name but it was a bad one and it had gone to herlymph nodes. At the time there was a 50%chance of survival. She and Dad Reiffhad come down to see us in Mississippi as they did at least twice a year. She had found a lump in her groin and askedTerry to check it out. She told her sheshould go to her doctor in Independence where they lived and have it examinedthere because it was suspicious. Judytold me it was 7only the second time she had seen her Dad cry. The other time being when their son Mike waskilled in Vietnam. We were busy with ourlittle family then but they were in our thoughts and prayers often. When they came to visit she had lost all herhair and wore a wig. Mom Reiff was notone to speak openly about her faith but she was a woman of great faith. I sometimes did not recognize that. Somewhere in my keepsakes I have a testimonyshe gave at church during that time. Shehad been deeply moved by a scripture at church. It is the familiar one, “They that wait upon the Lord will renew theirstrength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not beweary; and they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah. I believe God confirmed to her heart thatthis scripture could be true for her. Iknow she clung to it. During that time Iwas in a bible study and came upon another scripture, “O rest in the Lord. Wait, wait patiently for Him and He will giveyou the desires of your heart. Commit to God all of your goings, and place inGod all of your trusting…” I wrote both of those scriptures on aboard with a picture of an eagle on it.And gave it to her. Another woman weknew died during that time of the same kind of cancer. Terry’s Mom had a hard struggle. She fell a lot because of the chemo and howit affected her legs. She was sick alot. But she made it through and she andDad had many years together after that time. Many good things happened as a result of her cancer. She and my Mom got so close. For awhile my Mom wrote to her everyday. But that’s another story. I think it’s the true meaning of thescripture that says that all things work for good for those who are calledaccording to His purposes. I love youMom . I’m looking forward to our talk.

2011-09-24T06:06:00.000-07:00

I would like to introduce you to our newest addition, Angel. Angel is a girl golden retriever. She is smart - already retrieves a ball and is learning to sit. She is 7 weeks old and was from Jamie and Logan's litter of 11. She misses her siblings and her mother but I love her today because she slept through the night for the first time last night. And this morning she whined to go out to do #2. She is a chewer, biter an most puppies are so we are in constant need of a chew toy. Some are asking about poor Zip. Zip is still around and not particularly happy about this new addition. She does let Angel eat her food if she is finished. But she does not like her chewing on her ears. Terry is now living in a house of 3 girls. He is not complaining. Thank God for the joy of little ones.

Why I love puppies

2011-09-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

When have I experienced the Generosity of God?

2011-09-20T07:45:00.001-07:00

Oh Lord, as I look around at the harvest of fall I see your generosity: apples, squash, tomatoes, more. I stand outside at night and wonder about the galaxies and how you made things so beautiful and perfect. When I see the Sandhill Cranes fly or do their mating dance I smile and am in awe of You. I wonder how the birds know to fly south and the squirrels know to build nests. I watch the sunsets and am amazed by Your creativity. I pick my Sweet Peas and the smell reminds me that you created life in a way that would bring us joy. Each spring I am delighted by the perennials that surprise me in spite of their consistent return. The shapes in the clouds; the winds and the storms - all a part of your gifts to us. I could fill a book with all you give so freely.
And even as I am aware of the generosity in creation I undersrand why the Psalmist says, "What is woman that you are mindful of her."
I come to You empty and beg for Your Spirit. You faithfully fill me.
I ignore you and go about my life as though your existence didn't matter and when I remember to turn back to You, You receive me and bless me.
When my wanderings take me far from feeling You and my life becomes complicated, I come to You and You help me simplify and center.
I say to you, "Lord, I don't feel love for You. You have become a duty to me. I don't even know how to make Love happen." That very day You show me how. You have someone give me a book, just the right one. You slow me down so I have eyes to see and ears to hear Your Love. Your generosity amazes me. Your love is better than life, better than all I have come to want or think I need.
In the darkness of the prison I have made for myself, You give light. When all seems to fall down around me, Your presence makes it all worthwhile. I love You - help me to love you more - no matter what it takes.

listen

2011-09-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

I remember a scene in a movie. The woman was looking out her window at the street below. She had just lost a loved one. "Why are people moving so fast?" There is a time, following the death of someone you love, during the time of grief, that is a precious time. It is a time to listen. Not with your ears only but with your whole being. It is a time to walk slower, to be silent, to wait. It is not a time to hurry, to begin new things or hurry into old ones. It is a time when we are open.
It is a time when we hear cries of pain louder; when we are tender toward those who are marginalized, when we cannot bear to see someone hurt or left out. It is a time when we see things more accurately; when we have a heart like the heart of God.
It is a time to listen and be still. It is not a time to push past or stuff down. It is a time to listen to God and to all that God has created. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

brothers and sisters

2011-08-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

Bitter sweet. Dennis Keith, Susan Jean, Carol Ann, James Dale, Rand Lee, Kenneth Floyd, Kerry Lon, Brian Todd, Diane Marie. I love my siblings. We are all not perfect. But each is such a gift to me. Nothing they could do would stop that love. We get together at funerals. I love them deeply and dearly. Each has their own lives now and I am amazed at what they find to give to our family with the burdens they each carry. They heal me. As we laugh, hug, cry, talk, I am blessed. Thanks, Mom and Dad. They are the best gift you ever gave me.

My siblings

2011-08-20T15:27:00.000-07:00

Gone

2011-08-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

I prayed that I could be with Dad when he died. This summer because of being in Virginia, having grandkids here, reunion, etc., I was not at Dad's as much as usual. My other siblings did so much then. It had, in fact, been 3 weeks since I'd stayed there overnight. The day before he died we came to see Dad. He was so miserable. I can't really explain his eyes but I could tell her was not doing well inside, I mean mentally, emotionally. He had told me a few days before that he had thought it would be his last night but he woke up so... I think he wanted to go but he hated to leave everyone. And he was very tired of life as it was. We had to go take a friend to the hospital that Sunday afternoon. When we came back Dad was very sick. He kept spitting up and sometimes vomiting. I offered to play pinochle with him to take his mind off of it all but when we tried he couldn't hold the cards. I told him to forget that idea and go rest in his chair. He did willingly. He was not walking well, very feeble. He wanted to sleep in his small bed in the living room. He never went back to the hospital bed that was near it. Marlene thinks he didn't want to die in it. He fell immediately asleep but woke up shortly coughing. Each time he fell asleep it was the same. I strongly suggested he sit up in his recliner. Terry came out and suggested Marlene give him some morphine under his tongue. It seemed to help. Dad went to sleep and so did everyone else. Sometimes Terry stayed up with him but T had a bad headache and I wanted to sit in the chair next to Dad. I sat up so I would hear him if he needed me. I fell asleep and slept for a few hours. Maybe around 2:30 his coughing/choking woke me up. It was loud and gurgley. As I turned to him he was very red in the face and seemed to be choking. I ran for Terry and then he said to go get Marlene. We couldn't do much. Dad got over that spell but we all knew something was wrong. He didn't seem coherrant. Yet when we talked about him he said a few things that let us know he knew what we were saying. His color was back to normal and then as we watched he changed. I don't know if you'd call it a coma but he seemed to be gone from us. At first Terry couldn't get a pulse. Then it came back. His face sagged. He began that breathing that Mom did when she died. We all just watched. Marlene stood behind him and patted and rubbed his head and cheeks. I knelt beside him and held his hand and stroked his hairy arm. Terry sat nearby. It was hard for him, knowing he should and could do nothing. I wanted to touch Dad's skin and be with him as long as possible. I consider it a privilege that I was there; that I could stay with him and support him until he was gone. And then he was...gone. I wondered if he was floating out of his body like some people say they do or if he was walking to the light or if he had Jesus' open arms around him. When Mom died I didn't care, I just wanted her back. With Dad, I was so tired of seeing him hurt. And I just wanted him to know, to know that the things he hoped about God were true. Loving, forgiving, welcoming. All my life I have prayed that Dad would let God take over his life. I prayed Dad would be able to receive that Love. I believe there were times when he knew it, like when Gil annointed him in the hospital at Billings or when certain people prayed or spoke words that hit the target of his heart. Early on during this last 6 months Diane called and suggested we pray before Dad went to sleep. If we forgot, he would say, "You haven't prayed with me." He often would cry and tell me how much those prayers meant to him. I believe Heaven is like that...a place where we can feel that peace and joy all the time. I believe Dad is knowing now what he longed for here. "For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face." I miss you, Dad. I'm so thankful you are there.

Intimacy interrupted

2011-04-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

I was in high school. It was one of those perfect days, 70's, pleasant and sunny. I came home into the quiet of the living room. Mom was lying on our orange couch on her back. Dad was on the floor sitting next to her. They were both smiling. Both were fully clothed, her in a cotton dress. I'm not sure what he wore. What impressed me most was that his hand was resting on her dress over her breast. It was an intimate moment for them but he did not attempt to move his hand. To move at all would have ruined the moment - both for them and for me. I wanted to freeze it. I wanted it to never go away. I was sorry I had interrupted them. For a few moments I felt the peace of the love they shared. That was over 45 years ago and I still treasure that memory.

Roller Coaster

2011-04-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

I do not like myself. I am not doing life well. I am impatient, anxious, and lack self control. I cannot focus. Sometimes I'm angry with Dad and the next minute I'm so in love with him that I think I can't bear the tenderness. I'm irrational. Things that meant so much 6 months ago seem worthless to me. People annoy me. I can't talk to people for over a minute without wishing they would disappear. I fake alot. I want to be alone but I am depressed if I'm alone very often. I feel like running and running until I fall exhausted. I have no creative ability. I love to be with my siblings but I only want to be with them and not speak. When I'm away from Dad for very long I'm anxious and need to be back near him. When I'm there I don't care if we talk. I just want to be close. And after awhile the intensity of the love I feel drives me away as surely as it brought me there. When the phone rings I have an anxious moment, wondering if it's about him...he's gone? he's had a spell? I want to drawl up on the bed near him and just hold him. I'm falling off a cliff but I never seem to hit bottom.
the other day I was expressing to a friend how frustrated I was with myself. She said, "Do you have to hit your 3 pointers all the time?" It was a good thing for me to hear. Do I have to be perfect when my Dad is dieing? Do I have to be nice? Do I have to like people? Do I have to be responsible?
I find myself being angry at people who don't understand my grief. I'm mad when people are not sad or compassionate for Dad but it's ok if I feel that way myself.
I feel tired all the time. I feel selfish and self-centered.
The other day someone expressed their amazement that I'm not taking this all in faith. "Don't you know he's going to heaven?" It seems the least of my worries. I felt annoyed that she does not know how hurtful those kind of statements feel.
I'm also annoyed if people try to comfort me. I feel like shoving people away. I'm mad no matter what people do.
When I was little I prayed Dad would never come home. Now I don't know how to feel. I want him here and I want him to die.
Sometimes I feel so connected to his dieing that I feel like when he dies I will die too. In his mortality I am experiencing my own. I sometimes feel like life will never be anything but what it is now. That I will never hold my grandchildren again or climb a mountain and enjoy the view or laugh at a silly book.
I am afraid to write all this because I don't want people to worry but I'm needing so much to express myself and hope someone is listening. Just listening, not judging or fixing or even completely understanding.
Because I've experienced it before I know it's grief and I will get through it. And I know there is a God who is silently watching and crying too. A God who expects nothing from me right now. Who just holds me...

The Very Life of Life

2011-03-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

I woke this morning to the feel of your kiss on my cheek when you left for your men's group. I lay still to enjoy it's memory. A part of our routine. The kiss, then you lock the door and leave. I laid there and thought about those kind of habits...packing a lunch and meeting at Dairy Queen at noon during our school years, listening to Paul Harvey New and Comments; walking hand in hand, praying before a meal holding hands around the table; on your shoulder at bedtime, then flipping to a spoon to sleep; the "done" prayer before sleep; reading mail together at lunch; switching positions at the sink as we brush our teeth; leaving you notes;you sending me flowers; reading to you as we drive; greeting you at the door with an 8 second kiss; working together outside; going to church together early to set up, no words, just listening and preparing; watching NCIS; calling the kids; devotions at noon; making the bed together if we're both home; watching the animals; Zip's good night hug under your chin...I don't know who wrote, "Look to this day for it is life, the very life of life."

First Love

2011-03-04T05:42:00.000-08:00

I am doing "the Love Dare." Today the message is about unconditional love. I wish every married couple would read it. And live it. I didn't at first. It took Terry to start it. Several years ago he watched one of the videos we ask our couples to read when we work with them in marriage prep. It was on making a decision to honor your spouse. The man in the video said his wife was miserable in their marriage and when he asked her why he said it was because he put everything in his life ahead of her. That video impacted Terry greatly and he made a decision that day to honor me for the rest of our lives. Each day he would ask himself how he could honor me. Obviously he did not remember that every day. It was not easy. At first I didn't realize he was doing it. But soon I began to feel the blessing. And it made me want to respond. It made loving him easy.
Sometimes, when Terry and I will have a spat in public someone will say something like, "Hey, I thought you were the "marriage enrichment people." It surprises me. We do marriage enrichment because, like every couple, we need it. We want our marriage to be good. We work at it every day.
This morning when I was reading the Love Dare I found myself wondering if I would be able to love Terry if he had not made that commitment so long ago. A part of me wanted to find out. But, the very sensible part of me said an almost outloud, "NO!" I love being married to a man who is committed to not only staying married to me but making our relationship special. It is one of the greatest blessings of my life. It challenges me to be better. Thanks Ter. You are truly a man I admire, respect and love.

2010-12-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

Our hotel,

2010-12-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

Have to have my feet in

2010-12-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

Marriage

2010-12-21T00:38:00.000-08:00

In light of the fact that my computer refuses to let me upload pictures lately and because looking at the eclipse in the middle of the night (what a magnificant sky!)has brought to my mind so much joy and I can't quite go back to sleep, my mind has turned to the high concept of the sacrament of marriage. My friend and our mission center pres says that every sacrament is an act of repentance. In other words, a turning from one way of life to another. In the case of marriage it is turning from focusing on living mostly for myself to deciding to live for the sake of someone else. For example, choosing to sacrifice my wants and desires each day, to considering what is best for my spouse too. Of course, there are many who choose not to make that covenant in a marriage ceremony and some do quite well. But I like the ceremony because, like other sacraments, it is an outward sign of an inward commitment. The ceremony itself is a time of community. It is a time, when those who come can enter, if they choose, into covenant, also. For the sake of the couple and the community, those who come (and those who don't but commit in spite of their inability to attend) can make a commitment also, to support and uphold the couple in their new covenant. It is true, I think, that a couple would find it very hard to remain together without the help of community. When the couple is struggling, the community can either say, "Oh, well, it's not that important anyway. Find someone else who is easier, cuter, whatever." or they can say, "You made a commitment. Stick to it. In fact, we will help you if we can. We think your relationship is important."(or some such words) Or, without words we can just make an inward commitment to support and uplift marriages. One lady we knew years ago continues to send a card to us every anniversary.
And the couple can commit to the good of the community as well. In the sacrament they can say, "We not only commit to our own union, but to the union that is for the good of you, as a community. Our covenant will strengthen the community and we want to do that." Very early in our marriage we heard a man speak of marriage. He said the purpose of marriage is to glorify God. Of course, that is the purpose of all of life so that made such sense to me. It took me out of myself and let me see that if I made more effort in my marriage God would be glorified through it and the community would be enriched. I have not always done that but it is a good goal.
When you've just been looking into a beautiful night sky, you can believe all things are possible.

2010-12-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

2010-12-10T20:34:00.000-08:00

2010-12-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

Tiberias on the Sea of Galilee

2010-12-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

Strict Jews avoided th4e city of Tiberias because it was built on a graveyard.
But after the destruction of Jerusalem in A.D.70 many religious Jews settled there. It was where the Mishna, the oral Jewish tradition was completed about 200AD. It was where vowels were added to the Hebrew text. But to Terry and I it was where we first saw the Sea of Galilee. Our hotel room overlooked the Sea. To wake up in the morning to the sun rising over the place where so many of Jesus's life stories took place. It seemed to us, a place of peace. It was smaller than I had imagined. You could see the other side so easily so that many of the stories made sense. The picture where Terry is standing in front of a sculpture of the Sea shows the shape of it. There were young people fishing and kayaking near the edge. We walked there and I had to put my feet in it. Right next to the hotel were the remains of an old church.
As we looked across the Sea we were able to see our first glimpse of the Golan Heights where the Jordanians fought the Israelies. It is a crucial point in defending Israel. It seems like everywhere we went there was a mixture of peaceful stories with violent ones. I treasured that time on the Sea of Galilee. It seemed to me that the time there must have been a time of preparation, training of disciples, time alone with God, really, a peaceful time in many ways.

2010-12-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Arab/Israeli/Arab/Israeli/Arab/Israeli...

2010-12-07T21:24:00.000-08:00

The guides pointed out to us the communities along the way. If they had minarets they were Arab communities. If not, they were Jewish. Every community was distinguishable in this way. Ami (may not be spelled right), who was our guide for most of the tours, was at least a 3rd generation Hebrew. He, of course, had his own prejudices. But, he was convincing. He pointed out that the Jewish communities were neat, taken care of, finished properly. He said, "The Arab people just have a different way of looking at things." He also showed us that the homes of the Arabs were often not finished. To be finished meant that there was glass in the window holes. The law in Israel is that if you have windows finished you pay taxes on the home. The way it works is this: If you get married, you build the first level of the home. When your children get married, each family adds to the top level. But they don't believe in borrowing/mortgages so they only build when they can afford it. Hence, the reason for much unfinished property. The guide pointed out that we might like to abide by those rules in the US referring to our recent banking crisis. Point well taken. He also shared that, in spite of what CNN reports (they call CNN "certainly no news") the Arabs and Jews live next to each other amiably.
I remember reading in Golda Mier's book that many Arabs left Israel and fled to Jordan. Some stayed. Our guides said that those who chose to stay are very happy they did because their circumstances in Israel are much better than those who fled to Jordan.
Even as we got into Jerusalem the same communities or neighborhoods stood out. Little villages of people belonging to one or the other, Arab or Jewish.

2010-12-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

2010-12-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

Tel Aviv

2010-12-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

TelAviv encompasses the old city of Joppa. Acts 10:5,6 tells of Peter dwelling in Joppa with Simon, the tanner. TelAviv is the largest all Jewish community in the world. It's history includes the Canaanites as far back as 1800bc; the Philistines who held it until Solomon's time; Soloman made it a port city that served as a gateway to Jerusalem bringing the timbers for the temple through there. And on and on...
We left the city quickly and drove to our hotel in Tiberias. The following pictures are on that route. A fairly dry, ugly route. We noticed that many times our guides spoke of the beauty of Israel. There were some pretty spots but we figure they have put so much effort into making it green and growing that to them it seems so lovely. Surely they have not been to Montana.

2010-12-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

Arriving in the Holy Land

2010-12-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take pictures over and over but it was rude to be so "in the face" of people. I never saw so many different people. The Orthodox Jews were the most interesting with all their different hats and locks and costumes. We were told to be prepared for an unusual flight. That people would be up and about all the time on the plane and that when we got close to Israel it would get quiet, an almost holy silence, and then we would hear cheering when we landed. It wasn't quite like that. People were up a lot, just to stretch but it wasn't party like. Excitement was definitely in the air and our seat mate, a lady from Indiana talked alot. She was a widow who had come with a group from Indiana where Lester Sumerall had his ministry. I'm ahead of myself. Anyway, when we landed in TelAViv people did clap. Looking out the window, seeing the coast of the Mediterranian was a thrill for me. Of course, it is just a modern city now but it is the coast where Paul traveled with other wonderful history. We landed into another adventure in our lives. And, boy, was I thankful to be getting off that plane! Hello Jet Lag!

2010-12-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

Travel Companions

2010-12-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

"It doesn't matter where you go in life, it's who you have beside you." I would have never made it to Israel if it hadn't been for Gayle. He and Kathryn invited me to go along with them last spring. Terry told them I would go before he asked me because he knows it's been a lifelong dream of mine to go. NO! He was not interested in going with me. OK, I said I'd go. But then I thought about guns, Iranian bombs, etc and decided I really wanted to leave this earth with Terry if that should happen. (purely selfish I know) Terry said he wasn't afraid of getting any diseases, he was afraid of lead poisoning. But one night I talked him into going with me. It was a great decision and one he does not regret the twisted arm. Once he decided to go, his love for history took over and he got more excited than me.
Being with Gayle and Kathryn was an added treat. Though we see each other a lot we really don't talk much or do much together, something I really miss. Terry said they were the only people he would trust to send me off to Israel with. That says a lot right there. Trust. That word describes our relationship with them. People of integrity, sincere faith, goodness and love. Terry and Gayle worked together for almost 25 years before they signed a contract with each other. Not necessary if you have trust. When we formed an LLC the law made us change that. We probably have very different views on many things but I totally trust that they are trying with all of their hearts to follow the Christ. For me, that's what matters most.
Their lives have impacted ours probably more than anyone else besides our own parents and kids. They have been my mentors for years and I admire them greatly. Our time with them was peaceful, restful, fun and deeply meaningful...Thanks, Gayle, for once again affecting the course of my life.

Israel

2010-12-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

When I leave a great camp or reunion, for months I think back on parts of it that were so meaningful for me. I am experiencing that type of wonder now, following our trip to Israel. So I'm going to write about it- not because I want to share it with others though I know others will read but because I want to re-remember each event and bathe in the beauty of the experience. I want to write for myself and then I hope to put it in a book.
Speaking of books...before I went to Israel, for the past few years I've been reading books about the middle east and the Israel/Arab conflict. Books like Kite Runner, Blood Brothers, Time to Betray, Exodus, My Life, The Late Great State of Israel, the Haj, Zion Chronicles, ... well, others too but can't think right now. Most are heavily pro Jewish authors simply because I happened on them. I don't regret that though I would like to read some positive stuff about Arabs. Just haven't found too many. I like historical fiction but some non-fiction, like, My Life by Golda Meir (used to be prime minister of Israel)were so interesting that I couldn't put it down. Anyway, I'm so thankful to have read, esp. that one since it made so many things in Israel so interesting, understanding the "behind the scenes" better. So...here goes...

Fear

2010-10-05T03:31:00.000-07:00

I hold the hand of my greatest enemy yet I won't let go. I am afraid to because her name is fear.
Some opposites of fear are love, faith, confidence, smile, great accomplishments.
I am greatly impacted by the life of Greg Mortensen who wrote Three Cups of Tea and Stones into Schools. He has done great things for the least and lost because he has refused to let fear stop him. Instead he loves children and goes into the most dangerous places on the earth to help. He is my new hero.
I was laying in bed thinking about fear
Fear is the enemy of a good marriage. It keeps us asking the questions that hurt a marriage like, "Will I loose myself?" "Will she take advantage of me?" "Will I have to do more work than him?"
When I was afraid I did my worst parenting. Instead of being confident, hopeful, happy. The "what if's" killed me.
Fear keeps a gun under the pillow instead of a prayer in the heart.
Fear keeps me from forgiving my brother or sister or husband or friend.
Fear builds walls of division between people naming them democrats, republicans, liberals, conservatives, baptists, catholics, mormons...men, women, gay, lesbian...
Fear of rejection stops me from being my best true self.
Fear of failure keeps me from trying something new or using my gifts to bless the world.
Fear of loss makes me less generous.
Freedom from fear...imagine a world without it! without the need for it!
In the 70's many old people died in Kansas City because it was extremely hot and they were afraid to open their windows to let air in at night.
Do we need it?
Anger is always a secondary emotion. The first is often fear.
"Love is Letting Go of Fear". "Perfect love casts out fear"
Maybe instead of focusing on not fearing I should focus on loving, believing, hoping, trusting, faith...
Or the applause of God.
I'm afraid it's 5 and I won't make it through this day unless I go back to bed.

Another great day!

2010-09-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

ok, so I don't mean to be mushy or anything but today was just the best day! It's the day we use for Sabbath so we try, on wednesdays to, as Terry puts it, "Do sabbathy things." Like we don't usually do things we "should" do. We try to "cease" which is what Sabbath means. And we try to have "holy attention" toward God. On the weeks we stick with this it is such a blessing for us. Sundays are not very sabbathy for us because we mostly have responsibilities and, though I don't suppose it should be that way, we get stressed about them. It's been quite a journey for us. Definitely a learning thing. Anyway, back to today... We were in charge of Pizza church and we'd decided on a thanksgiving type dinner (pizza church is seldom pizza). So the day began with me working out while watching "Enjoying Everyday Life" with Joyce Meyer, followed by Creflo Dollar. both were good so that started my day right. Then after a breakfast of eggs and toast we cleaned up for the day. I started the rolls raising and the apple pies I'd frozen earlier in the week baking. We did our devotions and prayer and then had some intimacy time together. We had a good visit with Terra. Then Terry went to the doctor and had some questionable things taken off of his face and got groceries while I formed the rolls, peeled potatoes as I listened to "Stones into Schools". A great book by the guy our church is honoring at the peace colloquey. I made jello and Then we both took a nap. After our nap we started the ham and turkey baking and we loaded up the 4 wheeler and drove to the ranch. On the way we mailed our tax checks and dropped some of my lovely sweet peas off to a woman who had a 4 wheeler accident yesterday. At the ranch we rode up into the hills with Zip. It was so silent and it looked like no one had been in the hills for a long time. The grass is so tall and things are relatively green for a September afternoon. We gathered a few lovely rocks for my rock garden. When we got home our new neighbor was outside so we went up to meet him and his family. They seem so nice. 3 girls and their Mom is the new special ed teacher. Then we went into definitely not sabbathy mode, cut up the meats, boiled the potatoes and mashed them, made gravy (got mad because I forgot to make cheese grits), warmed up the beats, cooked beans with onions, loaded the car and went to church. Sometimes when you work really hard on pizza church only a small number show and you have huge leftovers. Tonight there were loads of people and appreciated our efforts and ate well. Jonathan Haacke hugged me and said how thankful her was to see me (he's in high school). His Mom snuck in and did all the dishes for us. A definite plus. People shared so well and 3 of my brothers came and we had our highs and lows and then sang "Happy Birthday" to Kerry. I realized sitting there how very much I love our congregation. One new couple told us they wanted to join our marriage support bible study that we'll start soon and also wanted a parenting class. he's fresh out of prison and wanting to do well. I'm so proud of them. No one seemed to want to leave and it was just a great evening. So now we're home. We cleaned up the dishes and Terry's playing solitaire and I read Travis's blog which is just always a treat. So...who could possibly have a better day? It just seemed like God was just right close to us all day.

5 big buzzards sitting on a fence

2010-08-24T02:12:00.000-07:00

2010-08-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

today

2010-08-24T02:06:00.000-07:00

Today

2010-08-24T01:44:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for...large white moon against a purple evening sky; the smell of sweet peas blooming in a bunch; 2 gladiolas finally blooming reminding me of Grandpa Sacry and my wedding day; lavendar that lived; several deer playing in the field; Zip looking silly as he watches a stray cat; a respectful, tender, caring husband; laughter; crisp, almost fall air; new mowed lawn; memories of a beautiful summer with Grandkids; Spencer's chuckle, Rachel's sweet tears and Michael's business-like manner all in the same day; cell phones; the Holy Spirit's assurance; devotions lead by T; Ken's helping Dad and Marlene; Carla's encouraging comments; Pray-as-you-go; Phillip Yancey; a finished quilt; a helpful, non-judgemental husband when Zip locked the keys in the car; that I remembered to exercise; a new well cover finished and painted; grandkids, grandkids (in the bible if it's said 3 times it means it's really important), both Terra and Logan calling today, siblings, nieces and nephews...why am I so blessed. Yes, Karen, I am rich..

Dinky

2010-08-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember both my parents, on occasion, called me "Dinky." I really don't know why. When I asked them they said because I was so little. When I look at pictures of myself and my closest siblings I don't appear to be so little.
I also grew up feeling like I was pretty and very sweet. But when I look at pictures of me when I was small I see that I really wasn't that pretty and I especially was not pretty compared to Susan who was only 18 months older than me and strikingly beautiful. Or Dennis, for that matter, who was very pretty for a boy. I was, in fact, kind of ordinary. So I wonder... I grew up believing I was very special, very loved and lovely and that my parents were so grateful that I was alive. What a priceless gift!
I've recently had opportunity to be around all of my grandchildren. I am frankly amazed at how unique, special, charming, intelligent, loving, talented they each are. Each one is completely different from the others. I look at each one and my heart overflows. I cannot make my eyes see any other way. One of my favorite times in life is when I have one of them to just BE with.
I believe God is the same way with each of us. We are loved because we are God's creation, a part of God. God's eyes cannot (oh, dear! Can I say "cannot" about anything when referring to God?) see it any other way. I wonder if God has a special name for each of us. "Precious", "Treasure", "Delightful"
The name "Dinky" can not necessarily be taken as a good thing. But I took it that way. I suppose it was the way it was said. Or how they said it when they wanted me to know they felt warmth and a special attachment to me. I'd like to hear God's voice. I'd like to just really know. But, I suppose for now, I'll just have to believe.

Joy

2010-08-05T14:45:00.001-07:00

Today I am jealous of Diane. I just looked at her facebook and I felt an overwhelming jealousy. Her beautiful children are home and my house is empty.
It is the first day that everyone is gone. Part of me has enjoyed this day so much. I've cleaned campers to return, washed sheets, made stacks of things to return, written a few thank you's, mostly organized. My fridges are now clean and organized. It feels so good to be catching up. I wonder if I ever caught up when I had kids at home, especially when they were little. And, having Terra's family here for a month I wonder how young parents ever accomplish anything but just keeping up with the kids. It reminded me of when Matt was a baby and nursed for a half hour every 2 hours. I called Mom to complain that I wasn't getting anything done. Her response was, "What do you have to do that is more important than feeding Matt?" I couldn't think of a thing. And, today, when I'm missing all my grandkids so much I think she was definitely right. I've loved the last 4 weeks. Each day had it's difficulties and it certainly wasn't easy. But if any of my kids said, today, "We need to spend a month in your home." I would definitely jump for joy. I could spend this whole blog writing all the things I enjoyed. So many hugs every day, laughter, creativity, reading with them, jumping on the tramp, swinging, listening, mostly listening - yes, that's the favorite. It feeds my soul. Thank you God for creating families and for letting me have part of mine near for a bit. A treasured gift.

beyond words

2010-06-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today, Terry and I played golf in Three Forks. It was an overcast but lovely day. I love that course because of all the birds and wildlife around. The clouds were tremendous. I was caught up in the beauty of the scenery. Walking to one of the places to tee off I passed a man. He looked more like a mountain man than a golfer and as we passed each other we spoke a friendly greeting and a few words.
Ok, this is the beyond words part. I just understood how precious and loved by God this man was. And I understood how much God loves our diversity. Don't ask me how I knew that. I just did.
I had an experience like it before once when I was walking in the Philadelphia airport. Packed with people and I knew in a way I can't explain that God deeply loved every one of them individually. I knew I could only "get it" a little bit, certainly was unable to fathom the completeness of His love but even that little understanding was a wonderful thing.
I don't know why God gave me that understanding. But I treasure it and I hope I never deny it.

Timeless

2010-06-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

The day Jamie was born was a wonderful day. Mostly because Jamie was born and if you know Jamie you love him and know he is a delight in a number of ways. But the day of his birth was a testimony to me of God's goodness, love and power. Having had difficult births 3 times I was not looking forward to this last delivery. Some weeks before his birth I received from Nancy a scripture from 2nd Timothy. "God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind." She was thinking about my delivery and felt this might help. The day after Jamie's due date, a Sunday evening after Terry's parents had gone home and Mom had arrived my water broke (the only one of my children who made my water break.) I went to the hospital with Terry since he was on call, sat in his room and watched Jaws during the first couple of hours and then went to the labor and delivery room. During the first part of the labor I used the word "love" as I panted. L-o-v-e It wasn't too bad. During the next part, as it got worse I used the word "power." P-O-W-E-R (definitely needing power) And during the worst part I used the words "sound mind" S-O-U-N-D M-I-N-D since I was loosing mine. I was totally focused. I knew Terry was there for me but I really was so totally determined and intent that I put out any other thought from my mind. I had to.
People around me wondered about all the spelling. It was not easy but I made it through. And now I have Jamie as a great reward.
This morning my pray-as-you-go was about that scripture. Only the version of scripture they used used the words, love, power and self-control. And they used the word "timidity" instead of fear. And that is exactly what I am needing as I prepare for directing reunion. I am always amazed at how good God is and how quickly God blesses us in just the right way. And how wonderful scripture written long ago is a blessing to us even now. Timeless.

2010-05-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

2010-05-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

2010-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

moments of light

2010-05-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

Each day I listen to Pray-as-you-go.com. It's got a great devotion. It also has a review of the day thingy. It helps you think back over the day and see where you experienced God's light in that day. I thought I had a bad day. Struggled to stay in it. But as I listened and remembered, I realized there were such lovely moments.
Sharing morning devotions with T.; listening to a wonderful song and copying it for reunion; walking outside during one of the rare times that it wasn't raining;Feeling God's presence nudging me to look at the 3 apple trees we planted last fall for the 3 girls born; Dad calling wanting to share a good movie with me;listening to music at the music concert. And a wonderful nap. I could hardly get out of bed and no coughing while I slept. So many moments of light. Thank you, God.

Valued

2010-05-21T04:48:00.000-07:00

For those of us who think we are in charge of taking care of the whole earth, the internet, facebook, blogs, etc are not a good thing.
For many years I had a recurring dream. When I was at home with my siblings I would dream the Russians were coming over the border to get us and I had to hide all my brothers and sisters. After I got married and had kids of my own I was hiding my own children. After I went to counseling the dreams stopped. There are whole books written to help people like me. People who feel responsible somehow for anyone with a problem who is even remotely related to them or just a friend or even an acquaintance. Most of the time I can deal with it. But there are times when I feel so overwhelmed. Now that I have all the above "helps" in communication I am so aware of the many world problems and deciding what is my problem is a serious difficulty.
Kathryn says "You are either guilty or you aren't." Obviously she doesn't have the caretaker syndrome. Guilt is my constant companion. Nathan and Karen told me they read that guilt has something to do with trying to feel morally superior. (They said it in a more together way that I can't remember.) I can't quite figure that out for myself, at least when I'm in one of those places where I'm overwhelmed.
Today, I'm fighting with it. I don't want to do anything today. I want to read a romance novel or Louis L'amour book. Something with no real value.
I knew a lady once in one of my counseling groups who admitted she sat to read her books like that by the window so if someone drove up she could hide the book.
It seemed ridiculous. But there are times when my own guilt is just as crazy.
Years ago I was feeling like this. I woke up in the morning and walked out into the dark of my living room. Looking out the picture window I saw the lights of the valley. I thought, "I'm just one of those lights. And someday I'll be gone and others will be the lights. So what good am I? What value am I to this life?"
I was not really expecting any response. But, in an almost audible voice I heard, "Your only value is in the love that I have for you." I knew in that instant that I was not loved because of all the things I was doing for others. I was loved because I was God's child.
It is so clear to me on days like this why God gave me that message so long ago.
I need that message over and over, all my life. Believing, in the depth of my being that I am loved for no earthly reason, but because I am God's child. It is the most peaceful place I can be.

Leaving

2010-03-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how I could be so slow...Mom always said she was not afraid to die and now Dad is saying the same thing. In fact, I get the idea that he is very tired and is ready to go. But the thing I didn't get is that the hard part is leaving the people you love behind. It seems so obvious now. As I am getting older I realize I won't always be in my family's life. It makes me so sad to think of my grandkids doing things that I won't be around to be a part of. I won't be able to cheer them on.
Or at least so they will know it. When Dad says good-bye to people now he gets teary sometimes now. Never knowing when his time will be. I've never liked good-byes. And this one is definitely LEAVING.

10 things I love about my kids and their spouses:

2010-03-10T00:42:00.000-08:00

1. They are all great parents.
2. They all work on their marriages and view that as important.
3. They love each other and treat each other respectfully.
4. They love each others' children.
5. They are hard workers and tough.
6. They are responsible.
7. They let me love and be with their children.
8. They are people of faith.
9. They are kind to their fellow humans.
10. They are good to Terry and I.

2010-03-10T00:31:00.000-08:00

drinking

2010-02-25T23:38:00.000-08:00

If you love drinking (and love is the right word) then don't read this please.
Why do I hate it. And I suppose hate is the right word, at least tonight.
I can't sleep and I'm obsessing about it. When I am less obsessive I think having a drink with your meals is fine. But not tonight. Tonight I am remembering.
"Friends" who drink a little too much and say things like, "You're never any fun."
or "Lighten up" just because I won't drink with them. Men who get drunk and are a little too friendly. People who say mushy, kind things when they're drunk, getting your hopes up that things might change but they never do.
Driving in a car when all my friends were drinking and driving, smoking, almost catching the car on fire. Friends who got drunk and slept with their boyfriends and spent a good part of their lives recovering from their mistakes.
Waiting on Christmas Eve for Dad to come home. We'd bought him a new recliner and he never came home. It was like a big elephant was in the room but nobody talked about it. Was he dead on the road somewhere? Did he even care?
Brothers waking my parents up in the night because they'd had an accident - driving and drinking. Laying there wondering if they were ok, knowing how my parents must have felt. Feeling their pain.
My son saying he was going to a kegger in the mountains with friends who would be drinking and hunting. Stressing over what to do...would he come home or have a bullet in his body.
Watching someone I love very much get drunk to relieve her stress. Wondering if it would get worse. Wishing she would just get counseling and face up to her problems.
Once a counselor told me I should learn to just laugh about my Dad's drinking - see the funny side of it. Maybe I want to hate it. Because I'm still angry.
But maybe some things are good to be angry about.
Like children who watched their Mom get spanked by their Dad because he came home drunk and was trying to use his power over her.
Like children who had to hide their siblings so they wouldn't get beaten.
Or just simple things like children not feeling loved or getting their homework done because their parents are mellowing out.
I suppose i could have wine at meals or champagne at weddings. But that just doesn't bring me joy. I wonder why...
I hope my grandchildren can grow up knowing they can have fun without having to have liquor to make it happen.
I hope they get "high" on sunsets, laughter and God.
I hope they don't need liquor or other drugs to say to each other the important things of life, to be close and good to each other.
I hope...
I keep thinking I should do something.
Be a part of the cure.
I hear addictions are usually about broken relationships. I think it could be.
I do know they don't help.
I suppose I do need to lighten up, laugh more,take life less seriously.
I hope I don't have to have alcohol or other drugs to make it happen.

For me

2010-02-25T05:12:00.000-08:00

For me. I listened to my pray-as-you-go website today. It was about how we can, none of us, ever be perfect or even close to God's perfection. It's not about condemnation but about mercy. As I listened I thought about Mom. No matter what I did she was for me. She was my advocate. Moms generally are that way. They always want our best so sometimes they get after us. But even when we get mad at them for getting after us, deep within we know they are doing it because they love us. And, ultimately, having a parent means (for most of us) that somewhere, someplace there is someone who is attached to us at the heart. No matter what we do we are deeply loved and supported.
There is this place where love is found. That is surely what God is - only even more so. For us. Deeply committed to us, not because of what we are but because God is connected to us at the heart. And God IS love. God gets after us, just like our Mom. Exactly because Love does that. God is for us.

Early marriage

2010-02-09T03:00:00.000-08:00

The post I just made reminded me of my early marriage. This year we'll be married 40 years. I struggle now thinking people need to wait until they've got all their "ducks in a row" before they get married. Especially the living together part. I was taught if you obeyed God then God would take care of you. And obeying God meant waiting until you were married to live together. I didn't work the summer before I got married. Gayle called and told me if I would stay home and be with my parents that summer he would pay me whatever I would have made. I think the check turned out to be about $200. Terry had worked at the pool as a life guard I think. Anyway, when we got married we had very little and we were planning on both attending the University of Missouri, KC together in the fall. We had 2 years behind us, me in Elementary Ed and Terry in pre-med. We lost the check from Gayle and had to ask him to write another. Probably threw it away with the gift wrap. I felt so responsible having to call Gayle. Uggh. Our honeymoon was traveling through Yellowstone and the Tetons on our way to Independence. When we got to our first home, a little apartment in the basement of an elderly couple's home ($75 a month - they felt bad when they told us they'd have to raise the rent to $82.50 the 2nd year we lived there) we had a letter waiting to tell us we could have loans and maybe grants too,(not sure)so we could go to school. Then Terry walked up to the hospital that was just a block away and got a job as a respiratory therapist aid. I got a job the next summer working at a rest home also only a few blocks away but I don't think I worked during the school year. We road together each morning to UMKC, about a half hour drive depending on when you left. It was a good time to talk and be together. It wasn't Graceland! It was the 60s and smelling pot on the people around us was just a part of the daily routine. We lived right across the street from Terry's sister, Susie. Terry's parents were in the same town. Susan and Paul had an apartment across town. We'd visit all of them. I thought Susan and Paul were rich because they had these wonderful salads with lots of veggies in them. Growing up at home we'd had only lettuce and maybe a tomato. I struggled with being homesick that first year. Terry said if he'd have had more money he'd have sent me home just so he could live with me. We had a little Volkswagon fastback. When Terry went to buy a car for us (while still at Graceland) he went by himself first and the dealer wouldn't take him seriously. He was frustrated and ended up taking his dad with him the next time. Embarrassing I'm sure. Now I realize how young we must have looked. Every day of school we packed a lunch and then we'd meet at the car and drive to a nearby dairy queen, buy a pop and listen to Paul Harvey as we ate our lunch. Some days we would go to a park or something. But mostly it was the DQ. I hadn't cooked much at home. And what I had cooked was for a large family.
Our early meals were "interesting." I was good at tomato soup and toasted cheese.
We had our struggles like all young couples. I thought he visited his family too much and he watched tv too much. I"m sure he had his complaints too. Though I don't remember what they were! We had some definite pluses. We both liked to go to church and at church we had older couples (probably in their 30s) who seemed to take us under their wings. Charlie and Hazel Brown, Barb and Jerry Wiley, Frog and Barney Barnhart just to name a few. Gil and Linda Martel lived above us and were good to us. We called Montana about once a week and could only talk for 5 minutes. It was just too expensive to talk longer. We went home for Christmas and sometimes for long weekends. Crazy. The country was going crazy with race problems, sit ins and laugh ins but we mostly just lived our lives, enjoyed family and friends. We made lost of memories. I wouldn't change any of it. It was just part of life, learning and growing. Sometimes Terry and I talk about how we wish we'd been better spouses, more loving to each other, better lovers, more wise. But I think we did the best we could at the time. God had a lot of work to do on us and still does 40 years later. I'm most thankful I was taught to love and try to serve God. That philosophy served us well.

# 4 Pray over everything

2010-02-09T02:47:00.000-08:00

Prayer in our home growing up was just such a way of life. I give Mom credit for that. She prayed about everything and then gave God credit when it happened.
When I wanted to go to Graceland after high school I asked God to help me be able to do that. I planned on going but I didn't have much money. Really, I worked every summer, mostly at the school for retarded children in Boulder. And I worked the summer after my Senior year. I lived with Ballards during the week and then came home on the weekends. I remember the day Mom called to tell me I'd gotten a letter from Graceland. She opened it and read it to me. I'd gotten a loan, grant and work assignment that covered my going to Graceland my first year. We praised God together.
"God is good," we said. And when I got to Graceland I roomed with Susan in the dorm that first semester. She and I waited excitedly each month when Veda Jacob's check came in the mail. $15 each month. We used it for our necessities like laundry, books, and notebooks. Truthfully, I can't remember what else we needed. That's just one example of praying and trusting God for stuff.

Kenneth Floyd Sacry

2010-02-02T02:45:00.000-08:00

I recently got to spend a little time with Ken. Not enough. I came away going, "I really like that guy!" He's an amazing person. I really like him. I love his laugh. People say to me, "Is he the one with the laugh?" I think Ken is like this ball of light that goes around lighting up people's lives wherever he goes. Each place he visits gets a little bit of the light and the world's a better place because he stopped by. Even when his own life is hard he cares about others. He sees their needs and does something to help.
I love his honesty. Even if he will miss a sale, he tells his customers the truth. "No, you really don't need that heater." or "You really could wait a year for that."
It blesses me that there is someone who still speaks the truth.
I love his straight forward attitude. Like in our family meetings when he asks direct questions and is open.
I love his desire to learn. He keeps taking classes and reads all the time. He wants to know things and learn.
I love his Mom-like faith. He sees God's involvement in things and praises.
I love his tender heart. I appreciate his generosity.
I love his determination to do what is right. His priorities are mostly right.
I love his strong body and warm hugs.
I love that he keeps in touch with his siblings.
I love his pretty eyes, the way they sparkle when he talks.
OK, so here's what I don't like about Ken.
I don't like that he doesn't take time for himself often enough. Because I love him i want him to get a massage once a week, relax more often, tell his customers he needs Saturday and Sunday off every week, exercise, whatever. I want him to come to Montana and just play. Or take a vacation that's just for him.
I know you read my blog, Ken. So are you taking time for yourself today?
I love you.

#3 Put God First

2010-02-02T02:18:00.000-08:00

"Seek first the Kingdom and all these things will be added to you." One time Mom threatened to ground Brian. He said, "What are you going to ground me from? All we do is go to church." Growing up, it seemed like putting God first was pretty easy. When we were little we just played and then on Wednesday nights and Sundays we went to church. Of course, as we all got into high school sports were so much of our life. That never conflicted with church though. Even if we were up late with games we were up early for church. This teaching about God first played out in the summer especially when Mom told us, "When you go to get a summer job, just tell your employer right off the bat that you want off for camp and if you have faith you'll get the job." I always did that and it worked. Or Mom told us to pay our tithing and God would take care of the rest. So when I was early married Terry and I made camps and reunions our top priority and did the same. When our kids were little it was hard. Going to church was sometimes not too uplifting. We sometimes wondered why we went. I suppose our stubbornness helped out then. As I got older I realized that going to church was not all putting God first was about. Like, should I paint my room or take time for a friend? Should I go to bible study or mow the yard? Should we spend our money on a trip to Mexico or give to the Haitian children? Sometimes I just want to tell God, "I'm tired of being a Christian today. I just want to do my own stuff." And sometimes I do. Sometimes life just seems too hard and I prefer colors of walls and carpet to children who are being abused or adults who are being divorced. Sometimes I'd rather read a romance novel than study for a sermon. I tell myself it's balance. But I wonder... When I put God first in my every day life I begin to love God most in my heart. When I choose to study rather than read the romance I am richly blessed. Things are bumped up to a whole new level. I'm amazed at how God seems to be waiting, anxiously to bless and uplift me when I make God my first priority. It's probably my biggest struggle still.

Things I learned growing up #2

2009-12-30T05:07:00.000-08:00

#2. Never criticize someone unless you have walked in their shoes for a mile.
This was mostly learned from Grandma Pyfer(Josie). She was the most accepting person I knew. I can't think of her criticizing anyone. When I was a teenager I loved to be with her. I felt so loved and I could share stuff with her. She was a good listener.
They say that Big Grandma (Mazie) was even more wonderful in this way. Everyone was sitting around one day talking bad about some man. After sitting silently for quite some time, when there was a lull in the gossip, she said, "Well, he sure can fiddle."
It's a blessed heritage I received with this teaching, but I have gotten away from it. The temptation to speak ill of someone when I'm frustrated with him/her is one of my greatest temptations. Putting them down justifies my own anger. But, always in the background of my conscience I have that voice of Grandmas Past, "Never criticize someone unless you've walked in their shoes for a mile." And, of course, Jesus has to chime right in with them telling me to love my enemies and do good to those who hurt you. I hate that! Actually, in the end, I love it. My newest example in this is Matt who gets most angry when service people are not treated kindly. Like waitresses, clerks, etc. "Get behind their eyes," he says, "Put yourself in their shoes." So maybe some of this old stuff is being passed down. I can only hope.

Things I learned growing up

2009-12-30T04:48:00.001-08:00

#1. Never rush into the presence of God.
I think this was said most about going to church. Things like:
The night before get your clothes ready, shine shoes, set out your clothes.
Read your Sunday School lesson. Pray for the person who is going to speak.
Get your envelope ready with your tithing in it.
Get to church early so you can sit and meditate seeking God's presence.
Maybe there are others...
These seem like "old fashioned" ideas. Certainly out of step with our present "rush,rush" society. To me they seem like lessons from another world.
Terry and I can do these things pretty easily now, even though we have lots of church responsibilities. Our freedom makes that kind of discipline fairly easy.
But I think about parents who are fitting church in-between Sunday soccer games and Saturday night movies, parties, etc. Maybe that's why new theology talks more about God being present in every place. We either find God at the soccer games or we can't find room for God at all. I got the feeling, growing up, that God and church were one and the same thing. I'm glad I don't think that way any more. But I do think we're missing out when life is so packed full. I know, for myself, I get addicted to the adrenaline flow of the hurry lifestyle. When life slows down too much I get antsy. The old disciplines help with that. And I like what happens at church when I prepare myself to really meet God. That's another thing I was taught, to come to church expectantly, believing God would be there. And God always was (is).

A gift

2009-12-07T05:05:00.000-08:00

I haven't been thinking about her much at all lately. I didn't expect to meet her again, especially in a dollar store.
Thankfully, I was not in a hurry. I had taken the afternoon for shopping, looking for stocking stuffers. There was a long line at the checkout. I was standing, wondering if I'd spent too much when she caught my attention. She didn't look like Mom at all. She was not pretty. Her grey hair was matted to her head, her eyes were watery and she stood kind of slumped. She had her cart in line but she was noticing a $1 sweatshirt on a rack near the line. The shirt said, "Best Dad ever, hands down." Her indecisiveness about a dollar sweatshirt let me know right off that her spending was more limited than mine. She kept stepping back and forth toward it. Noticing my eyes watching her she said, "It's just perfect for my oldest son. He's the best Dad." Her eyes became thoughtful and then, "I have 2 sons, the're both good Dads...but..." I lost her for a moment as she became lost in her own thoughts. I could tell by her face that she was experiencing one of those deep feelings of gratitude that Mothers feel when they are so proud of their kids.
Her adult daughter came to the line then. The woman introduced me and began to tell me about the rest of her family, asking me about mine. I began to be thankful for a long line. I think something inside me began to realize the gift I was receiving. Someone who could stop for a chat. Someone who saw no separation caused by differing life's circumstances. Someone who noticed me and cared about my life in spite of the busy season and the fact that we didn't know each other and would probably never meet again. It sounds funny to say but I loved that woman right then and there. We said good bye and wished each other a Merry Christmas. I didn't think to hug her but now I wish I had. It wasn't until I was almost to my car that I realized how much it was like being with Mom. I loved to be with Mom when we were with others. She didn't know a stranger. She was friendly and happy and full of interest in their lives. She could bring out the best in most people. And, how many times I had been with her when she had bought a shirt for one of my brothers with that same dreamy look in her eye. Most of all it was her priorities. Always people over things. One of the last times we went shopping together she asked me to go with her to buy some silverware that was on sale at Herbergers. She bought it after lots of dilemna. And then, a few days later she told me she had given it to someone because she thought they needed it more. I shook my head, secretly wondering why I had "wasted" a day shopping with her if she didn't even need the silverware. I'd like to have that day back. And in a way, last Friday, I did, if just for a few minutes in the line at the dollar store. Merry Christmas Mom. I miss you.

christmas growing up

2009-12-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

My first memories of Christmas were when I was very young- less than 6. We held Christmas at Grandma Sacry's house. I loved it! All I really remember about it was when Santa came - the sound of bells and then Santa. Santa was usually a neighbor or one of the hired hands. Chuck Eyster was Santa alot. He carried a big sack and handed out toys. I can't recall what was so great about Christmas at Grandmas but I do remember being really disappointed when Mom said we were having Christmas at our house the year after "Big Grandma" (Grandpa Sacry's Mom) died. I was about 6. I didn't know before that the reason we had it there was so Grandma could be part of it. She was in bed all the time so had to have Christmas brought to her. Mom was very insistant about having Christmas at our house. Now I understand those sentiments, but as a child I was sure it just wouldn't be the same. But it was! Nothing was really any different except it was in our own home. Christmas (and actually everything else) was centered around us kids. I still can feel how special I felt. I knew we were the center of our parents and grandparents universe. They thought we were the most special people in the world. Our home abounded in laughter over all the antics of the kids. I don't remember being scolded or fussed at much. It was a very happy time.
I particularly remember 2 Christmases. One was when we were still celebrating at Grandma Sacry's house. I got a doll with blond hair and Debbie Hemund got one with dark brown hair. We played together alot and we named then Snow White and Rose Red.
Another Christmas I remember well was when the concentrator in Butte was on strike. Dad was working there at the time and he explained to us that we wouldn't get any gifts that year because there was no money. He was really disturbed about it and I felt bad for him. I didn't expect any gifts and then when Christmas came we did get gifts. I don't remember what but I do remember the surprise. Dad told me since then that he borrowed the money so we could have Christmas. He really dislikes Christmas and I think it's because he never can get the things he likes for people and feels overwhelmed by it all.
Christmas growing up was pretty simple - we just had Santa come and then everyone started opening gifts. Sometimes there was wrapping paper about a foot deep all over the floor. I didn't know what others got. It was just like the moment was a burst of excitement and then it was over. Now I like to do it more quietly and pay attention to each person's gifts and reactions. I really don't even care what I get, but I like to watch others. But still... I have good memories of those early Christmas, so wild and exciting. Sometimes I wish I could go back and see those days through adult eyes. I wonder how Mom and Dad felt watching us. I wonder if they worried like I do about being sure I give equal gifts. I wonder if they realized I didn't really care about the gifts even then. I just wanted everyone to be happy. I hope they know how really happy I was being loved so much as a child.

Pain

2009-11-17T19:39:00.000-08:00

Whenever I am in pain I learn. When I was ugly after my brain surgery I thought about all the people who have a lopsided face all the time and others who can't eat correctly because of some kind of physical problem. When I had my hysterectomy (sp?) and Terry was with me so faithfully I thought of those who don't have anyone to love and support them. When my children were small I appreciated those who are single parents and never get support. This week I am thinking of those who have no teeth, or those who are in constant pain and are crabby. I get it and the only way I get it is because I'm uncomfortable. I don't like uncomfortable. I really despise pain. I am grateful for the empathy it brings to me. Maybe that's why God invented it (no theological arguements please). It can bring us together because we have compassion. The people I admire the most are those who have experienced lots of pain. I want to be like them. But I don't want the pain that made them that way.
Mmmmmmm...

food

2009-11-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

One of the things I am most grateful for about my upbringing is the way I was fed. I love, for example, that almost every morning Mom fixed the following: hot cereal, eggs, meat, toast, or pancakes or french toast. I almost put "each morning" but I know that someone might not believe me though I think it's true. I can't imagine the amount of time, energy and commitment that took. I thought I was doing good to always have one of the following: french toast, pancakes, eggs ,etcfor my own kids. Diane tells me by the time she came around it was cold cereal. One of the draw backs of being at the end instead of the beginning.
I also loved having a variety of food on the supper table. I understand Dad demanded meat and potatoes rather than casseroles but I still loved it. We always had desserts too but I never thought about eating 3 or 4 helpings because there was so much variety. I think it's a good thing.
ok, I'm writing about food because I had oral surgery and I can only have soft stuff this week. I'm really tired of yogart. This morning I woke up dreaming about a salad. Karen Sacry brought a salad to a meal Saturday night. I'm still thinking about it.
Some of my friends make fun of me when I order a salad when we eat out. Like they want me to have a huge burger. But I really love salads and veggies and fruit. I am giving my Mom and grandmothers the credit for this because I still love variety and I like food that is good for me. ok, so I love lots of butter and a little too much bread. (does it count that I prefer whole wheat?)

Spencer Edward Drake

2009-11-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

Featuring Spencer

2009-11-11T06:38:00.000-08:00

"The first shall be last." The day Spencer was born, in the room as they were just finished cleaning him up Jamie whispered to me, "He's perfect!" Yes, he was. And, he still is! (spoken like the grandmother of her first grandchild) People tell me Spencer is a beautiful child with his blond curly hair and big blue eyes. Of course that makes me proud. But what I love about him is that he is so enthusiastic about life! Confidence oozes from him. His list of LOVES is long: school, friends, Abigail, Birthday Bash Day at school, cakes, his new scooter, family home evening, his Dad when he's silly, his Mom's hugs, going to "Old MacDonalds" (McDonalds)...
He is sure he is right and that things will be wonderful. He is so kind to his sisters especially considering he is definitely outnumbered. He wants to do the right thing and has no problem telling me if what I've done is not appropriate. "No, no no (very fast) Oma, you do it this way." His verbal skills are amazing. His balance has always been advanced. He loves to laugh and be silly. I love to be with him.

Kate Nonie Reiff

2009-11-10T03:55:00.000-08:00

Featuring Kate!

2009-11-10T03:19:00.000-08:00

My favorite pictures of Kate are symbolic of who she is: Sitting in a large chair with her Mother in the corner of their living room, talking quietly, like they are adult best friends and sitting in the other corner of their living room on her Daddy's lap resting her head on his chest, listening to the adults talk. She carries the spirit of my mother, her namesake, a combination of confidence and vulnerability. A child who is on the one hand a little adult and on the other a fun-loving, laughing child. When she was younger she was afraid of vacuums and now she can climb huge rocks. I love her ability to pretend, caught up in a world of her own imagination. I love her hiding when we come to visit, and then her tight, warm hugs when she finally reveals herself. She is the kind of child that causes people to exclaim, "What a beautiful child!" And yet, her true beauty is her spirit of love, loyalty and compassion for others. She is not afraid to be alone, in fact, prefers it at times, but she loves to be with other people, children or adults and fits well in the company of many, able to hold on to who she is despite the activities around her. I feel it's a privilege that Kate lets me into her life. I truly adore her.

Michael Vernon Reiff

2009-11-05T21:10:00.000-08:00

Featuring Michael

2009-11-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

I LOVE to be with Michael! Taking a good pic of him is hard because his head is down as he is always discovering. And, because, when I am with him, instead of recording life, he drawns me into life. A spider, a plant, a new book about dinasaurs. One of his favorite dvd's is Earth. Another is Shark Week (wrong name I think) He loves to learn. Michael is totally without guile. He is totally undeceitful! I love his love and loyalty to his family. His spirit is so gentle, forgiving and kind. When he was here in August tolfs horse got cut and had a gash on it's side. One of the first things he asked me in SC was how that white horse was. I love Michael's spirit. It brings me such joy. He is the kind of child that could be anything he chooses because he is determined to do whatever it takes to reach his goal. My words fall short of who he is. He is such a brilliant combination of Jamie and Logan. To share a day with him is a gift to anyone wise enough to receive.

Rachel Elizabeth Drake

2009-10-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

When I think of Rachel I think of a tiny hand reaching up to hold mine; a giggle, almost unheard, a calm confidence as she marches to her own drummer; a lovely little lady lying on her belly reading an open book, lost in her own world of wonder;
standing in the big chair waving her arms as she leads a song; an almost weightless body crawling on to your lap, snuggling in to you; slowly eating in her high chair; chattering as she helps with dishes. When I think of Rachel I think of the many times she surprises me with her funny sense of humor; her bright insights on a situation; her angry growl when things don't go her way. Whenever I think of Rachel I say a prayer that she will stay her independent, unique, loving, delightful self.

Featuring Rachel

2009-10-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Anna Keli Drake

2009-10-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

To know Anna is to know life- at its fullest!A cry is full of anguish, a laugh- delightful!I need it now! I need you, Mom. I love playing, Dad. Another outfit is a must! The more color the better. Whirling, dancing, falling, laughing, crying, demanding, holding, quietly loving. Loving sister intensely, reading, singing, praying, hurting, watching, preening, swinging, touching, holding. Giving every moment to life. Then sleeping - soundly. She draws your heart and leaves you laughing, missing her intensely. Ardent brother admirer, passionate sister friend, delightful Daddy dancer, quietly close to mother. Singing, always singing. Her yes is yes, her no is no! We all love her so.

Featuring Anna

2009-10-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

Abigail Nora

2009-10-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

When I think of Abigail I think of a gift. She has been like a gift placed in her family as a great blessing. OK, so all kids are a gift, but...When I see the joy in Terra's face when she looks at Abigail; when I see how delighted Spencer is over her and how much he adores her; when I see the twins enjoying her antics and Zach holding her so preciously (a word?)I can't help but find wonderful joy in her life.
She seems to have that easy going, loving, cuddling temperment that makes you want to have a dozen like her. Her smile is delightful. She is so beautiful. I miss her.

Featuring Abigail

2009-10-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

Finlei

2009-09-30T16:25:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am going to do this 8 times and yes, I am going from youngest to oldest.
Finlei is one of those babies who gets more stunning each week. As you can see she is beautiful, but what the pictures don't tell too well is how beautiful her spirit is! She is one of those children who is just so full of life that you are drawn to her! She is loud and full of energy. I love the way her parents adore her. Jamie is already saying he hopes she grows up fat with lots of pimples so the boys will leave her alone! I have a feeling he will be able to handle it. The thing about Finlei is that she finally loves me! If the pic of the dog goes through- he is a new puppy who is definitely kid friendly. Finlei loves to crawl on Lola and Lola doesn't seem to mind it at all.

Featuring Finlei

2009-09-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

Hike to Terry's fishing lake

2009-09-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

Maci Loren

2009-09-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

The only thing more fun than having a new granddaughter is having my children have their first child. It has been one miracle after another when I am blessed to visit Maci. Each week she gets more darling. The last time I was there I was able to feed her. When I had her sitting up on my lap to burp, she turned to me, looked me in the eyes and smiled several times. It was a precious time for me. But... when I am there I get just as much joy over watching her parents as I do watching her. Tasha is an amazingly calm, competent, positive Mom. She seems to radiate with joy over her new child. Matt, who wouldn't hold a child until Maci came along, calmly holds and handles his new daughter like she is a treasure he has long waited for.
It brings this grandma such peace and joy. God's miracles are so perfect.

Featuring Maci

2009-09-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Passing

2009-09-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

I used to think the most holy and precious moments of my life were the moments I gave birth. Full of pain and hardship but, then, tremendous joy and a new understanding of my connection with God as co-creator with God.
A year ago this coming Sunday was also a time of intense pain and hardship. For a week I had shared with my siblings, my father, my relatives and friends as Mom began her passing from us to another place.
I had never been a part of death in that way before. Mom had talked with me about times when she had been with people as they slipped away from this life. I knew I wanted to be there when Mom left. It was a very long and beautiful week. If I could talk with Mom now she would say, "Wasn't that wonderful that week I was in the coma?!" She would have loved it. Maybe she did. I don't know. In many ways, it was one of the most precious weeks of my life.
The morning Mom left has become, in my mind, a very holy day. We were there, waiting, Ken, Susan, Diane, Debbie and Sandy. Others were coming and going. Those who were more familiar with passing seemed to know the time would not be long. I can't speak of how anyone else felt. But for me, it was about the breathing, and the warmth of her hand. I don't know what time of that night she began to breathe like a baby. That breathe and stop, breath and stop kind of breathing a new born has. I have watched many babies breathe like that. Unless you have I cannot describe it to you. When it began, it gave me peace. It was familiar and it represented life to me. With each breath there was more time before another breath. Each time I wondered if it would come again.
By that time I was ready for it to stop. I felt that whole week the struggle it was for Mom to keep living. Each day seemed so long for her, and, of course for us.
I didn't want to loose her but I knew it was time. I knew with every part of my being that she wanted to go. She had told me so many times that she was not afraid to die, even longed for that time when she would meet Jesus. (thinking of it now I am jealous of her. And even a little angry at her for going without me.)
I don't think I really knew, until the moment I saw Mom die, what a soul was. Somehow, now, I know. When she took her last breath Diane began the song, "Praise ye the Lord - Hallalueh!" We all joined in. We cried and we laughed.
I don't think I could describe that moment as joyful. The grief was overwhelming. It still is sometimes. As we stayed with her, her body became cold. It was like seeing a soul leave. It was during that time that I realized she was no longer with us. Her shell was there but she was gone.
I say it was a holy time because being with her as she went on to the new place she is in was a sacrament. It was like the final sacrament of life. A sacrament, by definition is an opportunity for us to experience God in the midst of life. Baby blessing, baptism, marriage, annointing the sick... and, now I see, death itself.
The passing.
Mom taught us to include God in all of life. There were times when she did it so well it annoyed us. It seemed too simplistic. It was in the way she lived and in the way she died that I was able to see God most clearly. If I could pass on any gift to my children and grandchildren it would be to give them many holy moments when, in the midst of every detail of their life, they would experience the peace that is God. Perhaps the only way I can do it is like Mom did, by living it. May God have mercy on me that I can follow Mom's example.

Bad dream?

2009-09-17T05:20:00.000-07:00

I am ashamed, scared, desperate. I am in Philadelphia. I know by the street cars and I recognize some places. Terry and I are separated and I am lost and I don't know how to get out of the area. No one cares about me. Everyone is desperate, hungry, and night is coming with it's cold. I find myself concentrating on how I will keep warm that night. How can I steal someone else's blanket after they've gone to sleep. No one cares. I'm in a soup line. We sit around on the ground eating our souplike beans. Someone speaks, "Mine has a head in it." I silently thank God mine doesn't. I truly feel thankful for this food. I wonder where Terry is. I know he will be looking for me but I feel hopeless that he will find me. I think about morality and I don't care if I am or not. I only care about survival. I think about an old boyfriend and I wonder if he's around that neighborhood. I ask myself if I would sacrifice my own integrity to take his help. Not one person seems to care if I live or die. I wake up and my stomach is still full from the chicken dinner Nancy fixed for pizza church last night. I think about people who are starving all over the world, people who live the reality of that dream every day. I spend a half hour wondering how I can change my life so they can not have to live out that dream. I am afraid of hell. Don't I deserve hell for being so comfortable when others are starving? My large house, land, beauty, too many clothes, blankets, 2frigs, 3 freezers, all full repulse me. I want to freeze that dream in my memory so I won't forget. I wonder if my grandchildren will ever have to endure that misery. I think of scriptures in the prophetic part of the bible that say God hates sacrifices of worship when the poor are desperate. I wonder again about my life, my choices.

Love's Answer

2009-09-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

We were told to meditate on what is our greatest struggle spiritually. It didn't take me long to decide. "What does the Lord require of me?" As I walked away from the group pondering that thought, I felt drawn to walk to the chapel. Entering the large, empty semi-darkness I sat near the front in a pew. The last time I was there was for reunion/family camp. The warm Spirit of that memory touched me, remembering the blessings of that week given by God and I silently prayed, "God, you helped me
so much during reunion." The Answer came quickly, "No, you helped Me." The wonder of God is how I can feel chastised and treasured/loved at the same moment. I recognized first the chastisement. Terry's Dad used to call it, "The tail wagging the dog." I understood I was placing God as my helper, not the other way around. That immediately rearranged itself in my head and another image came to mind. I thought of the joy I experienced as a parent when my children attempted to help me. They would be under foot, feeling like they were doing so much. What came to me was the feeling I have - the joy, listening to their chatter, smiling at their attempts. The JOY. I knew God felt joy in my sharing in God's work. I am still sorting out how that fits with what God requires of me. Somewhere in the answer is my own joy as I serve. How is it that whatever I do for God comes back to bless me more? I am deeply moved by that kind of Parental love.

God's bounty

2009-09-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

Grazing

2009-09-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

I used to stuff myself when a meal was good. And I did it pretty often. It really was not hard to do and I didn't feel too miserable. The last few years that is not fun anymore. I don't like to eat too much. Let me correct that statement - I like to eat too much but not all at once. I'm more of a grazer.
Today I was thinking that, as I've gotten older I am more of a spiritual grazer.
I used to live for those special camps, reunions, retreats, etc. They kept me going.
That once a year high was the thing! Now, I can't do it that way. I still love those events but I love just as much the early morning prayer times each day that keep me balanced. And I'm really wanting to even spiritually graze a little more often. Like remembering to include God in each event of my day. Remembering God's presence when I'm cutting up carrotts, mowing the yard, visiting a friend. I'd like to learn how to never stuff myself, but often fill myself with the knowledge that I am loved. When I do that, I love life. (Bye the way, how do you spell grazing?)

2009-08-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

2009-08-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

4 years ago we took Terra, Zach and family to their new home in Philadelphia. Terry drove with them and I flew with Spencer. We drove to what was to become their new home and I was devastated. No back yard! Almost no yard! Trashy streets! Hot and muggy! On a busy street! I racked my brain trying to come up with a way they could buy something else. I could hardly find a home with a back yard let alone one they could afford. The neighbors seemed scarey. We left our precious daughter, darling grandson and their protector, Zach in this place that seemed dangerous, filthy and beyond God's redemption. A few months later when I flew out for the birth of the twins I didn't feel much better. She had been unable to find a doctor who would take even her high risk pregnancy without insurance. Every time I flew away from that city that first year I watched the city as the airplane flew out of the smog and could not believe those I loved had to breath it, endure it. I was helpless to change anything. I cried until I got to the next stop.
As the years have passed I have seen God's miracle in this place was more perfect than I could imagine. God had placed her in a place where she was 1 block from a great library, a good mechanic at the end of the block, the wic office less than a block, a great hardware store within walking distance, close to the zoo, close to a place for Zach to catch the subway. A lovely lady called Debbie had instantly befriended her, helped her create date night, children's play time and a safe space for sharing her burdens and her children. She and Zach and the children have found amazing friendships, had unforgetable experiences and are, as I write, crying and grieving the loss of a place called Philly that they hate to leave.
Today I went on line to try to find cheap tickets so I could fly there to help Terra this next week in South Carolina. She will be in a new place alone with her children as Zach cannot leave Philly yet. She has not seen her house, known her neighbors, signed Spencer up for school which starts Monday. She will be clear across the US by herself with no visible support. I cannot find a flight I can afford. But, I have learned my lesson. God will do amazing things in her life this year. No matter the circumstances, I have a daughter who knows God's provision for her and trusts. She believes in prayer. She is obedient to God's will for her. She is strong and confident. She loves her children and knows how to take care of them. She knows how to get her perspective. She has a church community that supports each other. She will be fine.

2009-08-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

THE GIFT OF TERRY

2009-08-15T05:52:00.000-07:00

So, today we have been married 39 years. What I love about marriage is that even after 39 years we are still learning about each other. We are always reading books on marriage and about a year and a half ago when we went on a trip together and read to each other, The Five Love Languages. The five languages are: gift giving, presence, acts of service, words of affirmation and physical touch. During that time we realized that gift-giving is definitely Terry's and definitely not mine. So, for years, Terry has been giving gifts to me because that is his love language and I have said things like, "Oh, that's nice." or "Gee..." And, of course, that has been disappointing to him. Since that trip together, we have saved alot of money! And I am trying to remember, what I've always realized, that he loves me to give him gifts! It is not easy to believe and I have to force myself to use them as an expression of love. My love language is words of affirmation. I am an affirmation junkee. Terry is a faster learner and he tells me, at least once a day things like, "You are so beautiful," or "I am so blessed to be married to you," or "You have a great body!"
We are both a bit embarassed about our love language. I tell myself, intellectually, that it's pretty immature to need to be told so often that you are wonderful. And Terry feels like it's so small to want gifts or to feel bad when someone doesn't give you a gift on your birthday. But we are both thrilled when our love language is used. When our grandkids were going to all be home we talked about what their love language might be. We knew Kate's was not gifts since she has been known to say, "No thank you. I have enough toys." We know Michael loves to get gifts but he also likes presence (focused attention). We know Spencer loves physical touch. We are still working on learning these.
I also know about myself that I tend to give attention to my grandkids and ignore Terry. But today is our anniversary. And, even though his love language is not words of affirmation, mine is and I need to say some things I love so much about my husband.
I asked God, as a child, to let me marry a doctor or a seventy. God gave me both.
God knew I needed to feel secure in my marriage so God gave me someone who adores me and has 100% commitment to our relationship. He puts me first.
God knew I needed gentleness and Terry has become a very gentle person.
Terry is a rare man who will read books with me, go to counseling, listen to me without trying to fix me, go to "chic flicks", learn and change and work hard at being a good and loving husband. When I tell him something that is bothering me, he tries so hard to change and he is a fast learner.
He supports me financially in the way I have become accustomed. He does it with a job he loves and in a way that has caused me to have a great deal of respect for him.
His first love is not me but God. I am blessed to be able to serve with him. He has become someone whose opinion I respect and whose service I admire.
He works hard to become a good grandfather and father. He is willing to read and learn and grow.
He is a hard worker. He is a great lover. He is a sacrificial person. He is humble. He is clean and neat.
So today, I feel so thankful. I believe God brought him to me so many years ago when I was too immature and unwise to know what I would need. And God has been at work changing us both to become the "old folks" we are today!

Thank You #2

2009-08-14T05:05:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful for laughter. An old man's chuckle as his merry eyes watch his family laugh together. A baby's first laugh, so spontaneous, contageous, free. A Nonie laugh, tears rolling, unstoppable. A Dennis laugh, a fun surprise. Children laughing together when something tickles them. Nancy's laugh at a movie, making the whole theatre come alive and remember they don't have to keep their laughter to themselves. Ken's laughter, often and joy bringing. Our family laughing together as they remember, wanting to keep the memories flowing, just for the sake of laughter. Laughing begats laughing begats laughing begats laughing begats hope.

2009-08-04T07:33:00.000-07:00

Thank You...#1

2009-08-04T07:12:00.000-07:00

LIFE Giver,
Thank you for dancing.
Mother swaying back and forth, infant to her chest.
Toddler bouncing up and down hearing music first.
Children holding hands circling round, falling, laughing again and again.
Teens swaying bodies close or wild, fun loving.
Young adults learning new moves, swing, charleston,- I don't know the new ones.
Couples whispering as they sway, close and in love.
Wedding dance with daughter/father, son/mother - my favorite ones of all.
Couples old surprising us with finness from years of practice.
And ones so old they cannot do what they love to do...watching, remembering,
delighting as others carry on.
Russians kicking high.
Strong ballet capturing our vision.
Africans chanting as they move, strong and confident.
You know what I'm thinking, Lord. Why don't we do it more?
And, how could religion ever have thought it was evil?
Thank you, God, for wanting our joy.

Grief

2009-07-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was riding the lawn mower. A beautiful evening, just right temp. No mosquitoes. I wanted to praise God as I rode. I love to praise. But I couldn't. I wanted to say, "Thank you God for the green grass." Actually I said it but the words were dead. Just words. And immediately Mom came to mind. Intellectually I could see no reason for that connection. Not being able to praise and Mom. Am I mad at God? I don't think so. But there is a place inside me that seems to have died.
I thought I did so well at the family reunion. I didn't think of Mom much at all. I loved seeing everyone. It was so fun. Even when we went to her home and people were taking things I didn't feel very sad. Then I opened her coat closet. Grief surprised me like a bear jumping out from behind a bush.
Then I've been fine and yesterday on our way to meet a couple we're doing marriage prep with we passed Noodles and Wraps. I felt like someone was taking my throat and cutting off my breath. I had to consciously breathe. Images of Mom and I sitting across from each other sharing a wrap and a drink. I miss her so much.
I wonder if I treasured her then as much as she seemed to treasure me? I felt so treasured in her presence.
Sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever stop coming. Sometimes I don't want it to. I think I"m afraid if the pain stops, she will stop being near to me.
It's so conflicting. Grief. Good grief?

2009-06-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

2009-06-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

The Cardwell Bridge

2009-06-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

Who says there is nothing to do in a small town! A few days ago, after a few days of rain (actually, a Missouri rain one evening - it was great!) Terry and I had been thinking about the Jefferson Valley Bridge next to the Cardwell school. We decided to drive out there before church and see if the river had gone over it's banks. It had not but it was close. And there were many large puddle areas near by. We remembered many times when it flooded enough to cover the windows of the old trailer just north of the bridge and the campground just south of it.
Something about watching the water at that spot is so facinating. It's different now, however. They took out the old railroad bridge just west of the bridge. And, of course, the bridge we drive over is made of cement instead of the old wooden bridge we always drove over hundreds of times as I grew up.
Evidently, river watching has been around for a long time. I remember once when our family drove to the bridge to see if the old bridge would hold when water was literally rushing, touching the bottom of the bridge. It was at that visit that one of my little brothers fell, head first, out of the front window of the car. Back then, seat belts were not existant and our cars resembled a can of worms. Open windows only meant one worm might slide out.
If that bridge could talk...
Grandpa Carroll and his high school friends would go bridge jumping from it. (another activity that is common in small towns).
When I was a teen someone, somewhere in authority decided the bridge was not safe for a busload of kids to drive across. So, for several months, going to and from school the bus would stop just before the bridge and we would all get out, walk over the bridge and wait on the other side. The bus driver would drive across and pick us up and then we would go on. Thinking back on this, as an adult, and a former teacher, I wonder about a number of things. Like... who kept the little kids from running over and standing on the edge, possibly falling in?
I never remember that type of incident. Who supervised the little ones so no one would get run over by the bus? Who kept the older ones from slipping down the bank and playing in the river? I don't remember any such incidents. Maybe it was because I had my eye on some cute boy up ahead. Or maybe we were all just a little bit afraid that old rickety bridge would just break as we walked over and so we would be swept away by the river. Or maybe we were just afraid the bus driver, Carl Armstrong would swat us with the fan belt he used to keep Randy and Vic in line when they acted up. Whatever the reason, we made it past that adventure in our, anything but dull lives, without mishap.
I'm sure, if the people of the Cardwell valley all got together they could tell many stories of that old bridge. And that very old river. When they decided to tear the bridge down it was a sad, even mournful event. Part of our life was being replaced. Change... you can count on it.

God's children

2009-06-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

The discussion was about salvation. I was telling Dad and Marlene about reading the gospel of John in the bible.
I was underlining all the parts about salvation and the purpose of life. Alot of what I found was about faith, believing, etc but words that went with that word, "believe" were words like obey and doing God's will. At the end of our discussion I said something like, "But I always think about how, no matter what my own kids did, I would never stop loving them and I would not condemn them to hell. I would always want the best for them. And I think God is like that with His children." Dad was very quiet. (He usually is when Marlene and I get to ranting on and on.) But then he spoke, emotionally, "You know the thing that bothers me. I saw this thing on tv and it had kids starving in some country. And I just don't understand it. How could a God who loves all His children let this happen?"
I could tell it really disturbed Dad. I had been thinking about this for quite some time. I replied, "Sometimes I think that God is so commited to our freedom (free will) that no matter what happens, He will not step in. That God leaves it up to us. God gives us the Holy Spirit (the most powerful force on earth) to change things if we will but God does not interfere."
Dad, "I'm thinking that's true also."
Me, "Maybe our greatest condemnation will be that we did nothing."
This morning as I laid in bed I was thinking about my own life. We have had many opportunities to give and I suppose we've given more than most, and less than some, but I can't help but think about the way we have thrown away so much money on things that don't really matter.
At the end of the movie, "Shindler's List" Arthur Schindler, who had saved hundreds of Jews by buying them to work in his factory began to cry. "I could have done more," he cried, " This ring, this car, I could have sold them and saved one more."
I know that right now a large percent of our world is starving to death. That means children the age of Michael, Kate, Spencer...are hungry, crying. I can do more. Right now we are a bit cash poor. The only way I can give more is to not be frivolous (or give up my trips to see those grandkids and I'm not going to do that). I wonder how much I could give each month if I just ate off the dollar menu at Wendys instead of a large sandwich. If I didn't let my pride cause me to spend too much on a shower gift. If I let my grandkids go to the library instead of buying them books. If I rearranged my garden, using peranials that spread instead of buying new flowers, if I didn't think I had to keep up with the latest styles. If I didn't buy things I don't need sometimes. If...
Nathan and Karen told me they read that guilt was a way to make ourselves feel morally superior. I don't want to just feel guilty and then go back to my old way of life. I want to be different for the sake of others. But I think I am selfish enough that it will be hard. If you read this, help me to remember. Remind me kindly to stick with it. For the sake of God's children.